The Mrs. and I were really in need of much deserved break from our jobs and the house so we decided we should take a little road trip. We wanted to go far enough so that we felt like we were away yet close enough so that we wouldn’t have to get on an airplane. We decided to hit Baltimore as it met all the criteria plus Erin’s friend Lindsay had moved there a few years ago and it would give them a chance to catch up. We decided to take off Thursday and Friday from work, drive down Thursday morning and drive back on Friday afternoon. This way we would not miss any time with my daughter on the weekend.
We got up early on Friday morning, dropped the dogs off at the boarder, and were on our way to Charm City. The traffic wasn’t too bad on the way down aside from the usual snafu that comes with travelling through NJ to anywhere. We were starting to get extremely hungry but were holding out for something good when like a beacon from heavens I spotted a road sign from one of our most favorite southern franchises CRACKER BARREL (http://www.crackerbarrel.com/ )! We both had the Old Timer’s Breakfast which consists of Two Eggs (we both had scrambled) with Grits, Sawmill Gravy, Homemade Buttermilk Biscuits, Fried Apples or Hashbrown Casserole (we both had the Hashbrown Casserole which is AMAZING), and choice of Smoked Sausage Patties, Turkey Sausage Patties or Thick-Sliced Bacon (I went with the bacon and Erin had the sausage).
After filling up on a delicious breakfast we proceeded on to B-More. We made it to the hotel without issue and relaxed for a bit as we planned our next move. Erin wanted to try and walk as much as possible as we would be eating a lot on this journey. Prior to leaving a Google mapped all the places we wanted to hit with both walking and driving directions.
We decided to hit Di Pasquale's (http://www.dipasquales.com/ ) first for some “Real Deal” Italian food. When I saw the episode of Triple D that featured this place, I had to keep myself from drooling. In this little Italian Deli they make their own pasta, their own mozzarella, their sauce, and their own meats! And when Guy Fieri says something is the real deal, I believe him! Looking over the map Erin decided that a three mile walk wouldn’t be that bad and we headed off on our way. Let’s just say we realized a bit too late that a three mile walk was quite the trek! Especially when it is warm out and quite a section of the journey is uphill! Nevertheless we soldiered on and made it there in one piece!
I ordered the lasagna and Erin ordered the Arancine (rice ball) as they were the dishes featured on the show. The lasagna was absolutely amazing, the second best I have ever had and the best I have ever had at a restaurant. Yes, only second best, my Mom’s is still the best I have ever had. The reason is simple my Mom uses ground beef and ground sausage. And I love Italian sausage. For someone who isn’t into sausage, they would probably enjoy Di Pasquale’s more. Oh and the service was fantastic, the owner was very sweet! I definitely recommend the place if you are in the Baltimore area.
Erin had missed a call from Lindsay and then Lindsay missed a call from Erin but after the game of phone tag had been completed Lindsay insisted on rescuing us from a three mile walk back to the hotel. She drove us around the Baltimore area showing us some of the sites and letting us know what she and her husband have been up to. We hit up Dangerously Delicious Pies (http://www.dangerouspies.com/) which you may remember me discussing in my last blog (http://huntingforjoy.blogspot.com/2010/03/tale-of-two-pies.html). Erin and I had the Key Lime Pie while Lindsay had the Strawberry Rhubarb, they were very tasty indeed. We were a little disappointed that they didn’t have many of the pies on their menu available to try. It was kind of disheartening that they only had a few ready to go. The girl behind the counter, who was indeed very cool, told me that they would have some more pies out in a little over an hour. So we took our time eating and talking and when the additional pies came out of the oven, she gave me a holler. The three of us split a slice of the infamous Baltimore Bomb and the Chocolate Peanut Butter Chess. Erin came to the conclusion that she liked my version of the Baltimore Bomb better as I had used more cookies. I really loved the Chocolate Peanut Butter Chess but she wasn’t a fan. I definitely recommend the pies there for sure, however be prepared that they might not have the one you are looking for ready on hand. But the décor and atmosphere there is really cool.
Lindsay gave us a ride to our chosen dinner spot, Obrycki’s (http://www.obryckis.com/), which is known for their soft shell crabs. Unfortunately, there were no soft shell crabs left. We decided to stick around as we figured the rest of the menu must be good as well. The interior of the restaurant was very drab but the service was very good, the food just wasn’t anything special. We’ve eaten much better seafood on Long Island and in Boston. This place is definitely a miss for me.
After dinner we returned to our hotel and bedded down for the night. We knew that we didn’t want to get too late a start the next day and we had some awesomeness in mind for breakfast! Plus, it being Good Friday, we feared that we might be in store for less than hospitable traffic on our way back to Queens.
Our chosen spot for breakfast the next was another Triple D featured establishment, the Blue Moon Café. They don’t have a website, facebook, or twitter page but you can find them at 1621 Aliceanna St Baltimore, MD 21231 (410) 522-3940. We headed on over there and were greeted with a quaint little café with a few tables and a counter with stools. We were told that it be between an hour and an hour wait. We decided that it was indeed worth it and camped out outside the front door. When our name was called we were asked if we minded sitting at the counter and we let them know that it was not a problem in the least. Now, the only knock I had read in reviews of this place was on the service, let me tell you, these people could not have been nicer. Yes, they were young and tattooed (So am I, well, I’m tattooed, I don’t know about the young part anymore!), but they were friendly and courteous and not the slightest bit rude at all.
I had the Cap’n Crunch French Toast that I had read rave reviews of and Erin had an omelet. I had been a bit skeptical about the French toast as I was worried it might be overly sweet but damn were my fears unfounded! It was absolutely amazing! The best French toast that I have ever had, bar none! It was absolutely delicious, nice and crunch on the outside, soft, warm, and chewy on the inside, and topped with homemade whipped cream, fresh berries, and bananas! Let me tell you, no butter or syrup needed whatsoever! Erin enjoyed her omelet as well and upon tasting a bite of my French toast concurred with my opinion and stated that Blue Moon was the best eatery we hit on the trip and well worth the drive. I have to say, I am very inclined to agree!
By the time we were done gorging ourselves on our respective breakfasts we realized it was now Noon and we made our way back to the Civic and were ready to head on home. The traffic was a very different story on the way back; we hit several problem spots as soon as we left the city. However, all was not bleak as we made a late lunch stop at one of other favorite southern restaurant chains, Chick-fil-A (http://www.chick-fil-a.com/#home)! If you have never experienced Chick-fil-A you really need to, best fast food chicken sandwich you will ever eat, so delicious!
The ride home ended up taking us seven and a half hours! Hell, it only takes us fourteen hours to get to Atlanta! Seven and a half hours is a long time to be in my little Civic Coupe but we made it our alive! The next day was a busy affair for me as I had my no gi Jiu-Jitsu class in the afternoon, followed by picking up and dropping off at the dry cleaners, food shopping, grilling dinner (steak and pork loin) with my brother Frank, and pie making!
I had previously asked Erin and my brother what they would like me to make for dessert for Easter Sunday and they both wanted pie, blueberry for Erin and Key Lime with Cool Whip topping for Frank. I had never made either but I was ready to give it a shot. The blueberry was a bit of a process between cooking down the berries with maple syrup, then mixing all the ingredients with more blueberries, then chilling it for a half hour, and then baking it. I think I perhaps should have simmered it down longer. The Key Lime pie was a breeze though, no hassle at all.
Being me I decided to do a little research for a special treat for Easter Brunch. I was so in love with the Cap’n Crunch French Toast that I could not possibly wait until the next time I hit Charm City to taste it again! Plus my Mother and brother were in doubt of its deliciousness! It turns out the recipe was in one of Guy’s Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives cooks books and a fan was kind enough to post it online! I knew I had to give it a shot and hoped I would do it justice! Well, everyone loved it! I don’t think it was quite as good as Blue Moon’s but Erin thought I did a good interpretation.
My Mom made the Freda Family Sauce along with ravioli, meatballs, Italian sausage, and of course an antipasto course with mozzarella, mozzarella and prosciutto pinwheels, salami, pepperoni, provolone, peppers, and anchovies for Easter dinner. Everything was absolutely delicious as always! My brother loved the Key Lime pie and said that it was spot on. Erin enjoyed the blueberry but agreed with me that it should have been simmered down a bit more to reduce some of the juice.
So there you have it, a face stuffing, and road tripping adventure followed by an Italian Feast with a little southern flare for dessert! I hope you enjoyed my latest lengthy blog and I hope to have some new pictures up on http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=154376&id=745503906&l=402c1e0710 this weekend. Until next time, keep your head up!
Wednesday, April 7, 2010
Monday, March 15, 2010
A Tale of Two Pies
Hello everyone and welcome to another blog entry by your favorite BJJ/baking enthusiast. One of my recent Food Network obsessions is a show called “The Best Thing I Ever Ate”. Every week they pick a topic such as Guilty Pleasures or Cheesy and they have on food related celebrities such as chefs or critics and they talk about the best thing they ever ate in that category. I absolutely love listening to these culinary gurus gush over their favorite foods, it’s almost, and I mean ALMOST as good as getting to try them myself!
Now here is where the coolest part comes in, they tell you WHERE you can go get them. And in case you miss it you, can go on their website (http://www.foodnetwork.com/the-best-thing-i-ever-ate/index.html) and find the address and web site of the restaurants. Fortunately for me, a great number of these restaurants are in the NYC area. So my list of restaurants I want to try is growing by leaps and bounds! Sometimes, there will be a dish that I really, really want to experience for myself but it won’t be available anywhere in my area. In this case, I have to get a bit creative.
The first time this came into play was as a result of the “Snack Attack” episode where Candace Nelson hyped the deliciousness of the Donut Muffins made at Downtown Bakery and Creamery in Healdsburg, California (www.downtownbakery.net). Now watching these delectable, massive, muffins being made sent my salivary glands into overdrive! They were coated with cinnamon & sugar goodness and just looked too amazing to imagine!
So I immediately began searching for a recipe that I could try myself and low and behold, this is the one that I found: http://www.finecooking.com/recipes/doughnut_muffins.aspx . And goddamn if they did not come out absolutely amazing! Definitely one of the best things I have ever made or eaten! I was extremely happy with the way they came out and they are definitely a treat which I will need to make again soon!
Onto the subject of which this blog is titled, A Tale of Two Pies! The next time I was subject to geographical disappointment was the episode entitled “Guilty Pleasures” and the deliverer of my dismay was the Ace of Cakes himself, Duff Goldman. Duff’s most favorite guilty pleasure is indigenous to Baltimore, Maryland and created by the folks over at Dangerously Delicious Pies (www.dangerouspies.com) and known as the Baltimore Bomb Pie. This amazing treat is made by taking your standard pie crust, filling it with broken pieces of the sinfully decadent Berger Cookies (www.bergercookies.com) and pouring vanilla chess (a vanilla chess is a kind of custard) over that before baking it.
I really, really wanted to try this pie! However the cost to order one and have it shipped was really prohibitive. So, I again decided to take things into my own hands or kitchen as it were. I ordered some Berger Cookies and picked up the ingredients to make the vanilla chess and pie crust. I also remembered that when watching the episode I had turned to my lovely bride and remarked how much the Berger Cookies reminded me of our very own NY classic, the Black & White cookie. Inspiration had struck me and struck me hard! I decided to make one Baltimore Bomb using Berger Cookies and one Bellerose Bomb using Black & Whites! I stopped at one of my favorite local bakeries, the Gourmet Bake Shop in New Hyde Park (http://www.gourmetbakeshop.com/default.html) and picked up some ridiculously fresh Black & Whites.
Early Saturday evening I began my most recent culinary adventure with the two best Sous Chefs a guy could ask for in my lovely wife Erin and beautiful daughter Lyric. We set out to make the pies as per my recollection from the aforementioned show with a bit of guesstimating in a few areas. Namely, how many cookies to put in and how would we know if they were done? Now I knew how long they were approximately supposed to bake as far as the chess were concerned, which I was sure would be thrown off by the presence of the cookies. As well as knowing how custard should look once it’s baked, not liquid, but solid. The pies took a little over 45 minutes to bake and looked really fantastic when they came out, especially the Bellerose Bomb with its chunks of cookies popping up all over the place!
Next came the hard part, how long do we have to wait for the pies to set? I knew for sure they would have to be refrigerated for a time to allow the chess to set but I had read a bunch of different things as far as that went. Erin made the call that they should set overnight and so they did! Despite my HUGE disappointment in having to wait!
Finally after dinner last night came the moment of truth, the pie tasting! We cut ourselves a small slice of each, knowing that they would both be extremely sweet and decadent. How did they taste? DELICIOUS! Lyric could not decide which she like best, saying that she liked them both, although I think some of that may have been not wanting to make me feel bad if she did not like my version better. Erin liked the Baltimore Bomb better enjoying the extreme fudginess of it. I, however, liked the Bellerose Bomb better as I could pick up all the distinct flavors from the vanilla chess, the Black & White Cookies, and the icing from the cookies. These are definitely pies that require a big glass of milk in order to be consumed! I think that the next time I make the Baltimore Bomb I will use a few less cookies, as I think we may have gone a bit overboard! Overall though I think these were both unique culinary triumphs for yours truly and the loveliest helpers a baker could wish for!
I know you think the story ends here however it does not! Erin and I will be in Baltimore on April 1st and 2nd and we will be heading over to Dangerously Delicious Pies to try the original Baltimore Bomb to see how ours stacks up! Who knows, I may drop a little knowledge on them and suggest they try their hand at the Bellerose Bomb! Thanks for reading and I’ll catch you next time!
Photos of my Culinary Exploits can be found here: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=154376&id=745503906&l=402c1e0710
Now here is where the coolest part comes in, they tell you WHERE you can go get them. And in case you miss it you, can go on their website (http://www.foodnetwork.com/the-best-thing-i-ever-ate/index.html) and find the address and web site of the restaurants. Fortunately for me, a great number of these restaurants are in the NYC area. So my list of restaurants I want to try is growing by leaps and bounds! Sometimes, there will be a dish that I really, really want to experience for myself but it won’t be available anywhere in my area. In this case, I have to get a bit creative.
The first time this came into play was as a result of the “Snack Attack” episode where Candace Nelson hyped the deliciousness of the Donut Muffins made at Downtown Bakery and Creamery in Healdsburg, California (www.downtownbakery.net). Now watching these delectable, massive, muffins being made sent my salivary glands into overdrive! They were coated with cinnamon & sugar goodness and just looked too amazing to imagine!
So I immediately began searching for a recipe that I could try myself and low and behold, this is the one that I found: http://www.finecooking.com/recipes/doughnut_muffins.aspx . And goddamn if they did not come out absolutely amazing! Definitely one of the best things I have ever made or eaten! I was extremely happy with the way they came out and they are definitely a treat which I will need to make again soon!
Onto the subject of which this blog is titled, A Tale of Two Pies! The next time I was subject to geographical disappointment was the episode entitled “Guilty Pleasures” and the deliverer of my dismay was the Ace of Cakes himself, Duff Goldman. Duff’s most favorite guilty pleasure is indigenous to Baltimore, Maryland and created by the folks over at Dangerously Delicious Pies (www.dangerouspies.com) and known as the Baltimore Bomb Pie. This amazing treat is made by taking your standard pie crust, filling it with broken pieces of the sinfully decadent Berger Cookies (www.bergercookies.com) and pouring vanilla chess (a vanilla chess is a kind of custard) over that before baking it.
I really, really wanted to try this pie! However the cost to order one and have it shipped was really prohibitive. So, I again decided to take things into my own hands or kitchen as it were. I ordered some Berger Cookies and picked up the ingredients to make the vanilla chess and pie crust. I also remembered that when watching the episode I had turned to my lovely bride and remarked how much the Berger Cookies reminded me of our very own NY classic, the Black & White cookie. Inspiration had struck me and struck me hard! I decided to make one Baltimore Bomb using Berger Cookies and one Bellerose Bomb using Black & Whites! I stopped at one of my favorite local bakeries, the Gourmet Bake Shop in New Hyde Park (http://www.gourmetbakeshop.com/default.html) and picked up some ridiculously fresh Black & Whites.
Early Saturday evening I began my most recent culinary adventure with the two best Sous Chefs a guy could ask for in my lovely wife Erin and beautiful daughter Lyric. We set out to make the pies as per my recollection from the aforementioned show with a bit of guesstimating in a few areas. Namely, how many cookies to put in and how would we know if they were done? Now I knew how long they were approximately supposed to bake as far as the chess were concerned, which I was sure would be thrown off by the presence of the cookies. As well as knowing how custard should look once it’s baked, not liquid, but solid. The pies took a little over 45 minutes to bake and looked really fantastic when they came out, especially the Bellerose Bomb with its chunks of cookies popping up all over the place!
Next came the hard part, how long do we have to wait for the pies to set? I knew for sure they would have to be refrigerated for a time to allow the chess to set but I had read a bunch of different things as far as that went. Erin made the call that they should set overnight and so they did! Despite my HUGE disappointment in having to wait!
Finally after dinner last night came the moment of truth, the pie tasting! We cut ourselves a small slice of each, knowing that they would both be extremely sweet and decadent. How did they taste? DELICIOUS! Lyric could not decide which she like best, saying that she liked them both, although I think some of that may have been not wanting to make me feel bad if she did not like my version better. Erin liked the Baltimore Bomb better enjoying the extreme fudginess of it. I, however, liked the Bellerose Bomb better as I could pick up all the distinct flavors from the vanilla chess, the Black & White Cookies, and the icing from the cookies. These are definitely pies that require a big glass of milk in order to be consumed! I think that the next time I make the Baltimore Bomb I will use a few less cookies, as I think we may have gone a bit overboard! Overall though I think these were both unique culinary triumphs for yours truly and the loveliest helpers a baker could wish for!
I know you think the story ends here however it does not! Erin and I will be in Baltimore on April 1st and 2nd and we will be heading over to Dangerously Delicious Pies to try the original Baltimore Bomb to see how ours stacks up! Who knows, I may drop a little knowledge on them and suggest they try their hand at the Bellerose Bomb! Thanks for reading and I’ll catch you next time!
Photos of my Culinary Exploits can be found here: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=154376&id=745503906&l=402c1e0710
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
A Renewed Passion
It’s been a little over a month since I’ve updated on here so I figured I should probably give it a go. People who have known me for a long time know that baking has always been one of my passions. Yes, yes you read that right, baking. When I was a little boy I would often watch my Mother bake and then began lending a hand as I got older. I liked being around her and all the smells of her kitchen and the wonderful things that would come out of her oven, especially her banana walnut bread and her chocolate Bundt cake with confectionary sugar sprinkled on top.
As I got older I started baking things on my own, mostly from boxed mixes with the occasional banana walnut bread from scratch thrown in. As time passed I started making more and more things from scratch, like my Na Na’s peanut butter cookies or raspberry muffins. When I first met my wife I wooed her with chocolate chip oatmeal cookies and cinnamon streusel cake until she begged me to stop the oven baked onslaught!
In recent years I had gotten away from baking; really only doing it around the holidays. My Dad and older sister Nadine just had to have my homemade cornbread on Thanksgiving and everyone else was always clamoring for Na Na’s peanut butter cookies. However I have recently undergone somewhat of a baking resurgence. And I have to say, my daughter Lyric really deserves most of the credit.
Over the last year or so Lyric has developed a new found obsession with the Food Network and shows like Ace Of Cakes and Cake Boss. As I result I have found myself becoming a fan of Diners, Drive Ins, & Dives, Man vs. Food, The Best Thing I Ever Ate, Good Eats, and Chopped. Through becoming an avid fan of these shows I have subsequently become a fan of Chefs Guy Fieri, Alton Brown, Paula Deen, Michael Symon, and Chris Santos.
Another result of watching these programs has been the stoking of my desire to make the dishes I have seen featured on them. Or to seek out other recipes that I had always wanted to try, but just never attempted. And in doing so, spending time with my wife and daughter doing something we can all enjoy, like making a red velvet cake from scratch or baked macaroni and cheese. I would absolutely love it if my daughter were to become a Chef or Pastry Chef!
My wife has also recently become obsessed with idea of us mastering the art of making our own pizza. Right now getting the crust right is our biggest nemesis! However, we have faith that our recent purchases of both a pizza stone and a pizza peel will aid us in our efforts!
My teammates have also benefitted greatly from my recent culinary adventures as my wife often likes for me to get them out of the house to prevent us from overindulging! Some of my recent conquests have been my Split Decision Layer Cake (Vanilla Cake on top, Chocolate Cake on bottom, milk chocolate icing), chocolate peanut butter cupcakes, donut muffins (my wife says they are the best thing I have ever made and I may be inclined to agree), apple muffins, and a really amazing marinated skirt steak.
Yes, I have been branching out into cooking as well. I had always cooked a few things here and there like fajitas or tacos or chili or the occasional meat loaf, but I am starting to cook more and more. I have printed out a HUGE binder full of recipes for appetizers, main courses, and of course desserts that I want to try.
I have really been enjoying the time I have been spending in the kitchen both with my wife and daughter and on my own. I had almost forgotten how enjoyable it can be to have my music blaring as I try out a new recipe and bounce around the kitchen and then the triumph of a successful attempt at a new dish. I’ve also taken to photographing my culinary adventures, a fact which my Mrs. finds quite amusing I must say. She also thinks it’s incredibly humorous that lately all I can talk about is what new chokes I am trying out or what recipe I want to attempt next!
Again, I must thank my daughter for getting me back in the kitchen and my wife for putting up with my renewed culinary obsession. It has really been extremely rewarding being back in the kitchen and trying out all matter of new things. Tonight I’ll be going with an old standby, my Mom’s famous banana walnut bread!
As I got older I started baking things on my own, mostly from boxed mixes with the occasional banana walnut bread from scratch thrown in. As time passed I started making more and more things from scratch, like my Na Na’s peanut butter cookies or raspberry muffins. When I first met my wife I wooed her with chocolate chip oatmeal cookies and cinnamon streusel cake until she begged me to stop the oven baked onslaught!
In recent years I had gotten away from baking; really only doing it around the holidays. My Dad and older sister Nadine just had to have my homemade cornbread on Thanksgiving and everyone else was always clamoring for Na Na’s peanut butter cookies. However I have recently undergone somewhat of a baking resurgence. And I have to say, my daughter Lyric really deserves most of the credit.
Over the last year or so Lyric has developed a new found obsession with the Food Network and shows like Ace Of Cakes and Cake Boss. As I result I have found myself becoming a fan of Diners, Drive Ins, & Dives, Man vs. Food, The Best Thing I Ever Ate, Good Eats, and Chopped. Through becoming an avid fan of these shows I have subsequently become a fan of Chefs Guy Fieri, Alton Brown, Paula Deen, Michael Symon, and Chris Santos.
Another result of watching these programs has been the stoking of my desire to make the dishes I have seen featured on them. Or to seek out other recipes that I had always wanted to try, but just never attempted. And in doing so, spending time with my wife and daughter doing something we can all enjoy, like making a red velvet cake from scratch or baked macaroni and cheese. I would absolutely love it if my daughter were to become a Chef or Pastry Chef!
My wife has also recently become obsessed with idea of us mastering the art of making our own pizza. Right now getting the crust right is our biggest nemesis! However, we have faith that our recent purchases of both a pizza stone and a pizza peel will aid us in our efforts!
My teammates have also benefitted greatly from my recent culinary adventures as my wife often likes for me to get them out of the house to prevent us from overindulging! Some of my recent conquests have been my Split Decision Layer Cake (Vanilla Cake on top, Chocolate Cake on bottom, milk chocolate icing), chocolate peanut butter cupcakes, donut muffins (my wife says they are the best thing I have ever made and I may be inclined to agree), apple muffins, and a really amazing marinated skirt steak.
Yes, I have been branching out into cooking as well. I had always cooked a few things here and there like fajitas or tacos or chili or the occasional meat loaf, but I am starting to cook more and more. I have printed out a HUGE binder full of recipes for appetizers, main courses, and of course desserts that I want to try.
I have really been enjoying the time I have been spending in the kitchen both with my wife and daughter and on my own. I had almost forgotten how enjoyable it can be to have my music blaring as I try out a new recipe and bounce around the kitchen and then the triumph of a successful attempt at a new dish. I’ve also taken to photographing my culinary adventures, a fact which my Mrs. finds quite amusing I must say. She also thinks it’s incredibly humorous that lately all I can talk about is what new chokes I am trying out or what recipe I want to attempt next!
Again, I must thank my daughter for getting me back in the kitchen and my wife for putting up with my renewed culinary obsession. It has really been extremely rewarding being back in the kitchen and trying out all matter of new things. Tonight I’ll be going with an old standby, my Mom’s famous banana walnut bread!
Wednesday, January 20, 2010
Happy Birthday Dad
I wake up every morning startled as if being shaken out of my sleep. I head downstairs and I push myself as hard as I can, straining, growling, huffing, puffing, trying to break myself into a million pieces. I have destroyed myself over and over again smashing my body apart in a million ways in this ridiculous attempt to just be BETTER.
He was much more proud of me than I deserved for him to be. He saw things in me that just weren't there and I let him down so many times with my foolish, selfish, immature actions. I have dedicated my life to trying to be the man he saw in me, to be someone he could be proud of, to be an example of his ideals.
My heart has been torn out and shredded into a million pieces and I will never, ever be whole again. I miss him so much that sometimes I just have to stop moving, thinking, talking because I just cannot breathe. I would do anything, give up anything, just to hug him again and to hear him call me his pal one more time.
He was much more proud of me than I deserved for him to be. He saw things in me that just weren't there and I let him down so many times with my foolish, selfish, immature actions. I have dedicated my life to trying to be the man he saw in me, to be someone he could be proud of, to be an example of his ideals.
My heart has been torn out and shredded into a million pieces and I will never, ever be whole again. I miss him so much that sometimes I just have to stop moving, thinking, talking because I just cannot breathe. I would do anything, give up anything, just to hug him again and to hear him call me his pal one more time.
Friday, January 8, 2010
I Am Broken
I am broken, irreparably so, this is something that I am acutely aware of. It is an undeniable fact, one I have known for quite some time. How did I break, who or what broke me, when did I first become broken? These are questions that I do not have the answer to. However I do know what is broken and I do know that it something that cannot possibly be fixed, ever. My psyche is quite literally a mess.
There have been several different opinions as to what is “wrong” with me. I put the word wrong in quotes because I feel that the description is incorrect, I feel that the word I used previously, broken, is the more correct term for my mental situation. However, society at large would probably consider wrong to be the correct word. Some have called it major depressive disorder, some have called it manic depression, and others have called me a mopey fuck. And still others have referred to me as being “whacky” or “strange.” The word irritable has been tossed around as well.
To me, the labels are just really superfluous, whichever one you decide to use. One way or another, the fact remains, I am broken. It is not something I can control or “work on” or rehabilitate. I often get sad for absolutely reason. Or a single e-mail or comment or action can sometimes send me spiraling down into an abyss of self loathing with omnipresent thoughts of self destruction.
And then there are times when I go on a tear and buy a ton of shit I do not need because I just absolutely had to have them. And I have become an absurd completist as far as some of my interests are concerned. Buying DVDs I do not have the time to watch or albums that I do not consider particularly good or essential just because I NEED to have them in my collection.
Then there is my propensity to become so totally and extremely frustrated with a person or situation seemingly instantaneously. One moment I am fine and the next a wrong sentence or look or reaction has me completely consumed with anger or frustration to the point where I have to immediately step away to avoid a potentially explosive event. Or there will be times when one moment I am completely fine and the next anything and everything irritates me so wholly and completely that I become absolutely impossible to be around.
I also find myself at times being completely unable to feel good about myself. Despite the huge strides I have made in improving my physical appearance I still find so many things to hate when I look in the mirror. And I cannot seem to stop picking myself apart and just wanting to destroy myself because I do not see what I want to see in that reflection.
Or I become so fixated and obsessed with completing a goal or task that failure to do so leaves me feeling completely crushed, hollow, and empty inside. As if I am not worth the dog shit stuck to someone’s shoe, that I am a complete and utter disappointment and failure to all those who were foolish enough to believe in me or count on me.
So yes, I am broken, I cannot be fixed or cured or rehabilitated. I am aware of this and it does not please nor am I looking to use it as an excuse. It is what it is as I am what I am. Broken.
There have been several different opinions as to what is “wrong” with me. I put the word wrong in quotes because I feel that the description is incorrect, I feel that the word I used previously, broken, is the more correct term for my mental situation. However, society at large would probably consider wrong to be the correct word. Some have called it major depressive disorder, some have called it manic depression, and others have called me a mopey fuck. And still others have referred to me as being “whacky” or “strange.” The word irritable has been tossed around as well.
To me, the labels are just really superfluous, whichever one you decide to use. One way or another, the fact remains, I am broken. It is not something I can control or “work on” or rehabilitate. I often get sad for absolutely reason. Or a single e-mail or comment or action can sometimes send me spiraling down into an abyss of self loathing with omnipresent thoughts of self destruction.
And then there are times when I go on a tear and buy a ton of shit I do not need because I just absolutely had to have them. And I have become an absurd completist as far as some of my interests are concerned. Buying DVDs I do not have the time to watch or albums that I do not consider particularly good or essential just because I NEED to have them in my collection.
Then there is my propensity to become so totally and extremely frustrated with a person or situation seemingly instantaneously. One moment I am fine and the next a wrong sentence or look or reaction has me completely consumed with anger or frustration to the point where I have to immediately step away to avoid a potentially explosive event. Or there will be times when one moment I am completely fine and the next anything and everything irritates me so wholly and completely that I become absolutely impossible to be around.
I also find myself at times being completely unable to feel good about myself. Despite the huge strides I have made in improving my physical appearance I still find so many things to hate when I look in the mirror. And I cannot seem to stop picking myself apart and just wanting to destroy myself because I do not see what I want to see in that reflection.
Or I become so fixated and obsessed with completing a goal or task that failure to do so leaves me feeling completely crushed, hollow, and empty inside. As if I am not worth the dog shit stuck to someone’s shoe, that I am a complete and utter disappointment and failure to all those who were foolish enough to believe in me or count on me.
So yes, I am broken, I cannot be fixed or cured or rehabilitated. I am aware of this and it does not please nor am I looking to use it as an excuse. It is what it is as I am what I am. Broken.
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