Obsessed with Inside the Actors Studio, so I felt I had to…

OK, I’ve been meaning to write about what it means to me to be a good parent, and about one of my favorite instances where my Father was there for me and how I think it’s a great example. However, I’m just not up to it, with Father’s Day fast approaching, consistent thoughts about my Dad drive me to near tears, and I’m just not up to that at the moment.

But I digress…one of the epic presents my beloved wife got me for Christmas was a TiVo DVR. I know, welcome to 21^st Century. We had been delaying the whole DVR thing due to not wanting to give the shitty bastards at Time Warner NYC more of our money. Our good friends Mel & Steve had been lauding TiVo for years and my wife decided to surprise me.

Now my TiVo is currently dominated by all things UFC & episodes of Inside the Actors Studio, aside from the programs that we enjoy on a weekly basis and get watched pretty much a day or so after they air. If you’re a fan of the show, it stands to reason that you, yourself have thought about how you would answer, Mr. Lipton’s show ending questionnaire whose concept was originated by French television personality Bernard Pivot on his show Apostrophes, after the Proust Questionnaire.

So, in keeping with the spirit of the show and fun here are the ten questions he asks along with my replies:

1. What is your favorite word? love
2. What is your least favorite word? faggot
3. What turns you on? Lively discourse
4. What turns you off? Stupidity
5. What sound or noise do you love? When my husky “talks”
6. What sound or noise do you hate? My daughter crying
7. What is your favorite curse word? CUNT
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? Therapist
9. What profession would you not like to do? Mathematician
10. If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?
    Your Father is right over there.

I would love to hear everyone else’s answers, fire away in the comments section or hip me up with an email!

May I also note how sad I was when I found out that Inside Inside by the wonderful James Lipton is out of print!

Episodes of ItAS currently oin my TiVo: 14

Keeping It Real (Trying To Anyway)

I have been trying very hard to go very hard at anything not work related, to keep my head in the game. Reading whenever I can (not just comics, I swear), working out every day, grilling as often as I can, training BJJ at least twice a week (wishing my work schedule would allow for more), trying to write more, listening to as much music as I can, going to five shows in the next four months (Alkaline Trio, The National, Half Moon Run, Depeche Mode 2x). I haven’t taken the bike out yet but I am definitely getting the itch to hit it. I want to bake more, but that would mean eating the stuff which would be counterproductive!

I’m trying not to lose myself. I feel like that has been the big fear with me ever since I started working “real jobs” in other words jobs outside of retail. I feel like when I was young, early to mid-twenties and working in retail, it didn’t matter; the fear wasn’t there because I knew I wouldn’t be doing that bullshit for the rest of my life. I had so much other stuff going on, I was just SO creative that SOMETHING was going to hit. Either the writing in one form or another, the music in on genre or another, the acting, or I was going to cling desperately to one of my many talented friends coattails as they gleefully dragged me along for the ride.

Surprise, none of that happened. And you get to a point where you just have to move on with your life, you just have to do what you have to do to pay the bills and live the kind of existence you want to live. To not struggle to pay your rent or mortgage and to not worry if you can afford to buy new clothes for your daughter once she outgrows the ones she has or the seasons change.

So that’s what I did, I started working in office jobs with an unfortunately brief detour into the culinary/small business owner’s world, and then back into an office. And this where you really start to get that fear that you are your job, you don’t want to be, you certainly don’t identify that way, but it’s often the first thing someone will ask. So, what do you do? As if this was the most important part of one’s life?

Yes, being an Office Manager for at an IT firm is what I do to make money. This, however, is the last thing I would use to describe myself. Hell, look at my brief twitter bio: “Husband, father, BJJ Blue Belt, Pastry Chef, Straight Edge, food/music/film/comic book/stand-up junkie.” It doesn’t even make the damn cut. And if I extended it, it still wouldn’t; son, brother, uncle, nephew, friend, & writer would all make the list of descriptors first.

Yet I still have that fear that drives me so hard, that uneasiness that I am losing parts of myself that I am conforming that I am letting go or giving up. Not me, no fucking way, not this devout follower of the Church of Rollins. I have no interest in either burning out or fading away. I do what I do to take care of my responsibilities, but that which I do to earn a living will not & cannot define me; I won’t allow it.

Be Better Tour 2013, Train Keeps Rollin’, Tougher Than a Coffin Nail

Familiar Strangers

Like a lot of people I commute to work every day via mass transit. I go to the same train station every morning and I take the same train to work every day. As I take the Long Island Railroad or LIRR as it is abbreviated, I depart at the same time every day, with mostly the same people.

I see these same folks every day and they see me, yet I’ve never spoken to any of them, well not spoken anything of any real value anyway. Usually just excuse me, or no, you go ahead. This is my preference, I always have my ear buds in and in cooler or wet weather the hood on my hooded sweatshirt will be up until I am seated. Upon sitting, I open my messenger bag, pull out whatever I am currently reading and immerse myself in my book. This is my quiet before the storm, my sacred solitude.

However, this doesn’t stop me from wondering what these familiar strangers are like. The two girls, who arrive to together, dress almost identically and carry their way too big purses in the bend of their arms, while wearing their ridiculously huge sunglasses, and yet they never sit together.

The young man who shows up slightly flustered, suit jacket over his arm, tie not even around his neck, let alone tied, belt in his other hand! Dude, take a few extra minutes and actually finish getting dressed before you leave the house.

The young girl who is either goth, punk, or really depressed. Always in black leggings, a black top of some sort, and her Converse sneakers. Pale, black hair buzzed in the back, always looking dour. If Erin and I had a daughter, I imagine she would probably look like this girl.

When I get on the train I almost always end up sitting either right across or diagonally across from the woman with the big blue headphones, always drinking her coffee through her straw and peering at her iPhone. Usually with a furrowed brow as if she’s studying or concentrating very hard on something.

Sometimes I wonder what these people are like, what their jobs are, what music they are listening to, who they are texting so furiously, or what show or movie they are watching on their iPad or what they are reading on their e-reader.

I suppose all this is human nature, just as I suppose that they might wonder all of these things about me. Wow, it was loud when that guy cracked his neck, what is he listening to, what is he reading, what does “BJJ” stand for, why is he limping today?

Is it strange that I’ve never attempted to start a conversation and neither have they? Is it a consequence of being New Yorkers, would it be different if we lived elsewhere? Is it disinterest, distrust, laziness? What is it that keeps these familiar faces that I see more often than some of my closest friends and family strangers? Whatever it is, I’m sure that it will continue.

Having an incredible memory, a blessing or a curse?

My friends and family will often remark on my incredible powers of recall. I have a very, very good long term memory, especially when it concerns social situations. Without much effort I am usually able to recall minute details from as far back as my childhood. And I remember nonsensical things like what I wore on first dates in high school that never even resulted in second dates. My mind is filled with useless recollections of specific episodes of 80s sitcoms.

Oscar Hammling uttered one of my dear friend Chris Gavagan’s favorite quotes, “Often the greatest enemy of present happiness is past happiness too well remembered.” Chris repeated this quote to me often over many a cup of coffee at the infamous El Greco Diner in Brooklyn. It related both to a wonderful script he had written as well as both of our lives. I have often focused on this quote and on the veracity of it.

If you are truly happy in the present, can remembering how happy you were in the past really be enough to derail that happiness? Well, let’s examine this shall we? I am certainly willing to accept the fact that one’s memory is indeed subjective. And that how you remember something, doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s the truth of the matter. I could wholly and completely believe that I wasn’t happier than I had ever been at one point in time, but in truth, maybe there were events surrounding said point in time, that were causing me extreme anxiety? Maybe that MOMENT was wonderful, but the surrounding moments were horrible.

Now, if a person is happy, in the moment & place they are currently in, why would a memory of another time in which they are happy, ruin that? Well, perhaps it’s because you’ll think “I’m having a great time right now, I’m so happy, life is good!” And then you’ll think, “Well, it’s not as good as…” and this is what leads to problems, the comparisons.

These comparisons are often not anywhere near the realm of being fair due to the previously stated subjective nature of one’s memory. The odds are already slanted in favor of past happiness, due to the fact that you are subjectively remembering them. Then you work into the equation that you are older than the time you are remembering and in most cases ones responsibilities, stresses, and obligations increase with age. Another point for past happiness!

So here you are, concentrating on how good things were back then which in turn leads you to think of how much better than they are at the present moment. This can run you down into thinking that if things were so good then, that means they aren’t all that great now, and this totally kills your buzz on your present happiness. And BOOM there we have it, present happiness crushed by the oppressive heel of past happiness.

I have to admit, I have fallen victim to this many, many times. It has ruined many relationships and other opportunities for me in my lifetime. However, all things considered, I wouldn’t trade my memory for anything.

My Father has been gone for over 4 ½ years now, and I have many amazing memories of him. There are little moments between just the two of us as well as the big moments surrounded by others. Do my past memories of times spent with him make new memories of life events and achievements without him pale in comparison? Sometimes, sometimes it does, and I always wish he could be a part of them. I have learned, however, that I have to live in the moment and be thankful for the happiness I have & grateful for the good times I will experience in the future and not shackle myself to my past.

Too Much Is Never Enough?

I have a lot of interests, which in my case, are actually more like passions, as I pursue them so vehemently. My wife would probably tell you that I have too many interests and that my interests take up entirely too much room in our house. On that last account, she certainly would have a point.

One of my first loves growing up was reading and books are still a big passion of mine. And when I say books, I mean actual books, not files downloaded onto a reading device. I like to hold them in my hand, turn the pages, smell the paper, and I like the way that they look on a shelf. There is a certain feeling of accomplishment when one gets to the end of a book, turns that last page and snaps that cover shut.

However, my bookcase is almost full to bursting, so full that I have a stack of books on the desk in our guest room and another on my night table. So I am realizing that I may yet have to relent at some point in the very near future, and move on to an e-reader of some kind. There is also cost to consider, as the electronic versions of books are at times half the price of the physical version.

Alas, there will ALWAYS be an exception to that for sure, and that is comic books whether they are single issues, trade paperback or hard cover collections, and graphic novels. First off, the price is the same for a physical copy and a digital copy of a new single issue, that’s no bueno. Second off, when it comes to something like art work, you really need to look at it as it was meant to be looked at, on the page. There is no substitute for seeing things the way the artist intended you to see them, which is in ink & paper form. This presents a big problem as I have a big shelf on my bookshelf full of trades as well as the aforementioned piles. This is along with the box of old issues in my attic and the two nearly full long boxes in my bedroom closet. And there are always trades of stories that I missed that I wish to acquire.

The next big obsession in my life is music, I spent years working at Tower Records and Virgin Megastore and making good use of my discounts, both legitimate and of the five fingered variety. I own well over a thousand physical CDs, and they occupy a large wooden spinner in my guest bedroom. Music was an area in which I relented early on, but not for the same reason as I see my imminent caving in on the book front. The iPod presented me with the opportunity to carry around more music than I ever thought possible right in my pants pocket! I could listen to almost anything, anywhere! And for me, the accessibility just could not be beaten. Despite missing the booklets and holding the CD in my hand, I bowed willingly to the mighty iTunes!

While music no longer poses a threat of the spatial variety it is still a threat on the financial front. There are just so many good bands out there if you take the time and make the effort to seek them out. Then when you find them, if you really dig them, you’re not just going to want their current album are you, not if you’re like me, you’re going to want all their albums! It’s almost to the point where I curse audibly upon getting into a new band. It’s hard enough to keep up with releases of bands I have loved for years like Depeche Mode and Alkaline Trio. This is to say nothing of the ridiculous cost of concert tickets with all their surcharges and handling fees! What are you handling? I’m printing the damn things out myself with my own ink and paper! And yet I’ll be attending five concerts in the next 4 months.

Food is another passion of mine, I love to eat it and I love to prepare it. I have a shelf full of cookbooks and I have several binders full of recipes of the familial variety as well as ones printed off the internet. I also have my four binders from culinary school. (I know, back to the overflowing bookcase again!) I love to go to new restaurants of all different varieties from all over the spectrum in cuisine as well as cost. My to-do list on foursquare has 535 places on it! I am fully aware that this is absolutely ridiculous. This fact does not stop me from continuously adding places to said list. However it does drive my wife crazy as I tend to get pissy about going to restaurants multiple times as I would usually rather try new places.

One of my biggest passions is Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and I don’t just love to train in the art, I love to study it & live it. I was told by Sensei Matt Serra back when I started that BJJ isn’t just an art, it’s a lifestyle, and man was he right! I have many, many books on the subject (BOOKCASE!), DVDs, T-shirts, hoodies, and grappling mats in my garage. This flows into my love of the UFC and the tons of DVDs/Blu-Rays of theirs I own and the amount of their programming that is monopolizing my TiVo. Not even considering the amount of money I have spent ordering their PPVs!

And I haven’t even discussed my love of film or stand-up! Though to be fair my wife has pretty successfully weaned me from owning films and stand-up performances to just watching them via Netflix. And I do download a lot of stand-up albums onto my iPod.

OK, so if you’ve made it this far, I am sure you’re wondering where the hell I am going with this, aside from prattling on and on about my interests and how much space and money they’ve cost me. The point is, I’m still not satisfied or “done” collecting. There are 120 books on my Amazon Wish List, there are always new bands & comedians to discover and old favorites keep dropping albums, as previously mentioned there are 535 places on my foursquare to-do list, prominent BJJ instructors including my own will keep releasing books and DVDs, and the UFC will keep putting on events.

This is where my head begins to spin, why do I have such an insatiable need for content? I finish a book and I immediately want to start another one. Before I am even finished reading my weekly new comics I am looking to see what releases are coming out the next Wednesday. I already read too many monthly titles and consistently get swept up in new ones! I am constantly adding things to my Amazon list despite it being way too long and ridiculous as it is! I read Rolling Stone and SPIN to stay current in music & I am always on the lookout for concert updates! I repeatedly search cooking web sites for recipes and lifestyle sites for dining suggestions. I just bought a new BJJ t-shirt the other day and look forward to every UFC event notification. Why am I so…obsessed? And is it a bad thing to be so?

I just cannot get enough of these passions of mine and yet I have to tell you, and I am telling you true, all of these things pale in comparison to my love for my girls. My Mrs. and my 14 year old daughter, now can you even imagine how much I love them? Nope, I didn’t think so. Until next time, thanks for stopping by.

Return of the BLOG (Where I’ve been, what I’m up to, & what to expect here)

I know, I know, I’m horrible. My last post on here was April 7, 2010, which is now over three years ago. So many things have happened since my last post that I almost do not know where to begin, for anyone who happens across this blog and is not an immediate acquaintance of mine. Which I also know is highly unlikely. Why the hell would anyone who does not know me or at least know of me be reading this blog? Well, I suppose, just in case, I should just do a quick catching up, a la Depeche Mode in 1985.

The first significant thing was that I left the hospital I had worked at in August of 2010. The second significant event was that on August 21, 2010 at the 2nd Annual Team Serra BBQ, I was promoted to the level of Blue Belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu by Senseis Matt & Nick Serra. It was an amazing experience and one of the proudest moments of my life. I am so glad that both my wife & daughter were there to experience it with me.

Soon after, I decided that I was going to pursue one of my great passions in life, baking. I enrolled in the Institute of Culinary Education’s Pastry & Baking Arts program. I learned from some incredibly amazing chefs that I will forever be indebted to: Jeff Yoskowitz, Sim Cass, Scott McMillen, and Chad Pagano. I worked very hard, studied a lot and graduated with high honors.

I interned at a cupcake shop and then worked there for a while and the amount of pay and the number of hours I was getting were just not where I needed them to be to help my wife support our family. We decided to start Put It In Your Face (https://www.facebook.com/PutItInYourFace) an internet based bakery. Things were going well during the holidays and dropped off pretty hard in the summer and we just weren’t pulling in enough consistent clientele and didn’t have the start up for a store front or food truck. Either of which would have greatly benefited our product.

In the summer of 2012 I realized that the business was, unfortunately, going to have to become a side project and that I would have to find full time employment elsewhere. I worked as a merchandiser for Kellogg’s for about five months, stocking supermarket shelves with cookies, crackers, and granola bars. Setting up and breaking down displays and my back (figuratively) in the process.

Then in December of this year, with the help of a good friend’s wife, I was able to land a job as an office manager in Chelsea. And here I am, five months later, writing this blog. I know, not exactly in the culinary or entertainment field. Well, about that, here’s the thing; I have a wife, a daughter, two dogs, a mortgage, and two cars. I think it’s safe to assume you can see where I am getting at with this.

However, I am still training in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu (not as often as I would like but I still average twice a week,) I still have Put It In Your Face, I’m still dragging my wife all over to check out places to eat, and here I am, writing. And I am going to endeavor to do a lot more writing from now on. As well as what you will find here, I am an occasional contributor over at www.burgerweekly.com (you can find past pieces from here: http://www.burgerweekly.com/tag/christopher ) and whenever they post me there I will link to it on here.

I’m going to have to backtrack a bit here because another thing that I definitely need to mention is that back in the late 80s I was really into comic books, mostly Batman. Once I started High School, I got away from collecting and all my comics and graphic novels sat in a box in the crawl space of my parent house and then my attic. Well, DC Comics decided that on August 31, 2011 they would restart all their series over to issue #1 with many titles having a completely revamped continuity. My good friend Chris Brady decided that it would be an excellent time to jump back into comics. At first I laughed, asked him if he was kidding and then was gently persuaded to pick up Justice League #1. And that’s all it took, I read more titles now than I ever did as a kid. I follow quite a few titles on a monthly basis and through trade paper backs have caught up on quite a few awesome tales that I missed while I was away.

I love comics and I really need to thank Chris for getting me back into them and I also really need to thank Zach and Tommy of the most awesome local comic shop there is, Best Comics International in New Hyde Park, NY. They have been nothing but cool to me since I first walked through their door, welcoming me with open arms, making suggestions, but not pushing anything on me, and answering any questions I might have. What an awesome crew over there! I definitely urge you to check out their web site: http://www.bestcomics.com/index.html , and if you’re in the area, you need to hit their store!

OK, so I think I covered the where I’ve been and what I’m up to. I think all that’s left is to tell you what to expect here. To state the obvious, this is my blog and I’m going to write about the things that I dig: Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, baking, cooking, eating out, MMA, music, film, books, comics, stand-up comedy, television, and whatever else I happen to feel like running my mouth about. You will occasionally find short stories, poetry, memoirs, and lyrics by yours truly here.

Feel free to comment on here and you can also follow me over on twitter @huntingforjoy where I will drop a link whenever the blog is updated. I promise that I am going to do my best to blog as often as possible, about as much as possible. Thanks for reading.