Becoming a Man, what it means to be a Father

With Father’s Day rapidly approaching I’ve been thinking a lot regarding what it really means to be a Father and when you really become a man. I don't think I really became a man until my Dad died which is sad and stupid and fucked up, but that’s the way it is, if I’m being honest, which I’m trying to be.

One of my favorite examples to give, when people ask what being a Father means, or of how my Dad was is the time I moved to New Jersey. I was 18 years old and dating a woman who was 22 and I was totally and completely infatuated with her. She had already graduated college and I was halfway through my first year and not doing a very good job of it. I was too involved with going to goth clubs with my friends and exploring the NYC goth scene to do things like go to class and write papers.

I dropped out of school because it was interfering with spending time with her and with my working shit menial jobs to make money to move in with her. She eventually got kicked out of her place up in Port Chester and moved back in with her mother in South Jersey. I would work all week at Costco, then take the LIRR into Penn, walk to Port Authority and take the two hour bus trip down to Cherry Hill every Friday, spend the rest of Friday and all of Saturday with her and be back in NY in time to work the closing shift on Sunday. It totally fucking sucked.

We started looking for places together and everywhere in North Jersey or NY was too expensive. All the way my Father kept trying to talk me out of moving in with her and into going back to college. I wouldn’t listen and we argued often. We eventually found a place in South Jersey and were committed to moving in together. Despite their misgivings, my parents helped me pack, rented a minivan, and drove me down there. Once down there they took us to Bed, Bath, & Beyond and bought some things for us. We said our goodbyes and they were off.

While I was there, my Dad would send me care packages; video tapes of Giants games (when they won), and news clippings pertaining to the Giants, and any news clippings pertaining to the Islanders. He would call me often, not to hound me, but to keep in touch. When things started going bad he tried to council me.

Finally, it was at a point when things were not going to get better and he said “Christopher, just come home, I’ll take the for sale sign of your car, all you have to do is go to school. Just come home.” When I finally agreed, he again rented a minivan, drove down to South Jersey, helped me pack, and took me home.

Being a parent is trying to prevent your children from making mistakes, realizing when you can’t stop them, and being there to help them stand up, and dust themselves off when they do. He never rubbed it in my face, he never hit me with an “I told you so,” he just told me how proud he was of me for realizing my mistake and coming home.  And how happy he was I was home and how much he loved me. He even repainted my room and had my Mom get me new curtains and bedding.

I would make a lot more mistakes and he would do a lot more helping me up and dusting me off. He was the BEST, end of story and I'll never measure up, and I'm cool with that. But he loved me so much; he never gave up on me. He was the only one, other than Erin, who never gave up. And it took him dying, for me to really fully become the man he saw in me. What I’m not cool with is him being gone and I’m not OK with him not getting to see the man I’ve become. I love you Dad, with all my heart, always and forever.

Having an incredible memory, a blessing or a curse?

My friends and family will often remark on my incredible powers of recall. I have a very, very good long term memory, especially when it concerns social situations. Without much effort I am usually able to recall minute details from as far back as my childhood. And I remember nonsensical things like what I wore on first dates in high school that never even resulted in second dates. My mind is filled with useless recollections of specific episodes of 80s sitcoms.

Oscar Hammling uttered one of my dear friend Chris Gavagan’s favorite quotes, “Often the greatest enemy of present happiness is past happiness too well remembered.” Chris repeated this quote to me often over many a cup of coffee at the infamous El Greco Diner in Brooklyn. It related both to a wonderful script he had written as well as both of our lives. I have often focused on this quote and on the veracity of it.

If you are truly happy in the present, can remembering how happy you were in the past really be enough to derail that happiness? Well, let’s examine this shall we? I am certainly willing to accept the fact that one’s memory is indeed subjective. And that how you remember something, doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s the truth of the matter. I could wholly and completely believe that I wasn’t happier than I had ever been at one point in time, but in truth, maybe there were events surrounding said point in time, that were causing me extreme anxiety? Maybe that MOMENT was wonderful, but the surrounding moments were horrible.

Now, if a person is happy, in the moment & place they are currently in, why would a memory of another time in which they are happy, ruin that? Well, perhaps it’s because you’ll think “I’m having a great time right now, I’m so happy, life is good!” And then you’ll think, “Well, it’s not as good as…” and this is what leads to problems, the comparisons.

These comparisons are often not anywhere near the realm of being fair due to the previously stated subjective nature of one’s memory. The odds are already slanted in favor of past happiness, due to the fact that you are subjectively remembering them. Then you work into the equation that you are older than the time you are remembering and in most cases ones responsibilities, stresses, and obligations increase with age. Another point for past happiness!

So here you are, concentrating on how good things were back then which in turn leads you to think of how much better than they are at the present moment. This can run you down into thinking that if things were so good then, that means they aren’t all that great now, and this totally kills your buzz on your present happiness. And BOOM there we have it, present happiness crushed by the oppressive heel of past happiness.

I have to admit, I have fallen victim to this many, many times. It has ruined many relationships and other opportunities for me in my lifetime. However, all things considered, I wouldn’t trade my memory for anything.

My Father has been gone for over 4 ½ years now, and I have many amazing memories of him. There are little moments between just the two of us as well as the big moments surrounded by others. Do my past memories of times spent with him make new memories of life events and achievements without him pale in comparison? Sometimes, sometimes it does, and I always wish he could be a part of them. I have learned, however, that I have to live in the moment and be thankful for the happiness I have & grateful for the good times I will experience in the future and not shackle myself to my past.

Too Much Is Never Enough?

I have a lot of interests, which in my case, are actually more like passions, as I pursue them so vehemently. My wife would probably tell you that I have too many interests and that my interests take up entirely too much room in our house. On that last account, she certainly would have a point.

One of my first loves growing up was reading and books are still a big passion of mine. And when I say books, I mean actual books, not files downloaded onto a reading device. I like to hold them in my hand, turn the pages, smell the paper, and I like the way that they look on a shelf. There is a certain feeling of accomplishment when one gets to the end of a book, turns that last page and snaps that cover shut.

However, my bookcase is almost full to bursting, so full that I have a stack of books on the desk in our guest room and another on my night table. So I am realizing that I may yet have to relent at some point in the very near future, and move on to an e-reader of some kind. There is also cost to consider, as the electronic versions of books are at times half the price of the physical version.

Alas, there will ALWAYS be an exception to that for sure, and that is comic books whether they are single issues, trade paperback or hard cover collections, and graphic novels. First off, the price is the same for a physical copy and a digital copy of a new single issue, that’s no bueno. Second off, when it comes to something like art work, you really need to look at it as it was meant to be looked at, on the page. There is no substitute for seeing things the way the artist intended you to see them, which is in ink & paper form. This presents a big problem as I have a big shelf on my bookshelf full of trades as well as the aforementioned piles. This is along with the box of old issues in my attic and the two nearly full long boxes in my bedroom closet. And there are always trades of stories that I missed that I wish to acquire.

The next big obsession in my life is music, I spent years working at Tower Records and Virgin Megastore and making good use of my discounts, both legitimate and of the five fingered variety. I own well over a thousand physical CDs, and they occupy a large wooden spinner in my guest bedroom. Music was an area in which I relented early on, but not for the same reason as I see my imminent caving in on the book front. The iPod presented me with the opportunity to carry around more music than I ever thought possible right in my pants pocket! I could listen to almost anything, anywhere! And for me, the accessibility just could not be beaten. Despite missing the booklets and holding the CD in my hand, I bowed willingly to the mighty iTunes!

While music no longer poses a threat of the spatial variety it is still a threat on the financial front. There are just so many good bands out there if you take the time and make the effort to seek them out. Then when you find them, if you really dig them, you’re not just going to want their current album are you, not if you’re like me, you’re going to want all their albums! It’s almost to the point where I curse audibly upon getting into a new band. It’s hard enough to keep up with releases of bands I have loved for years like Depeche Mode and Alkaline Trio. This is to say nothing of the ridiculous cost of concert tickets with all their surcharges and handling fees! What are you handling? I’m printing the damn things out myself with my own ink and paper! And yet I’ll be attending five concerts in the next 4 months.

Food is another passion of mine, I love to eat it and I love to prepare it. I have a shelf full of cookbooks and I have several binders full of recipes of the familial variety as well as ones printed off the internet. I also have my four binders from culinary school. (I know, back to the overflowing bookcase again!) I love to go to new restaurants of all different varieties from all over the spectrum in cuisine as well as cost. My to-do list on foursquare has 535 places on it! I am fully aware that this is absolutely ridiculous. This fact does not stop me from continuously adding places to said list. However it does drive my wife crazy as I tend to get pissy about going to restaurants multiple times as I would usually rather try new places.

One of my biggest passions is Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and I don’t just love to train in the art, I love to study it & live it. I was told by Sensei Matt Serra back when I started that BJJ isn’t just an art, it’s a lifestyle, and man was he right! I have many, many books on the subject (BOOKCASE!), DVDs, T-shirts, hoodies, and grappling mats in my garage. This flows into my love of the UFC and the tons of DVDs/Blu-Rays of theirs I own and the amount of their programming that is monopolizing my TiVo. Not even considering the amount of money I have spent ordering their PPVs!

And I haven’t even discussed my love of film or stand-up! Though to be fair my wife has pretty successfully weaned me from owning films and stand-up performances to just watching them via Netflix. And I do download a lot of stand-up albums onto my iPod.

OK, so if you’ve made it this far, I am sure you’re wondering where the hell I am going with this, aside from prattling on and on about my interests and how much space and money they’ve cost me. The point is, I’m still not satisfied or “done” collecting. There are 120 books on my Amazon Wish List, there are always new bands & comedians to discover and old favorites keep dropping albums, as previously mentioned there are 535 places on my foursquare to-do list, prominent BJJ instructors including my own will keep releasing books and DVDs, and the UFC will keep putting on events.

This is where my head begins to spin, why do I have such an insatiable need for content? I finish a book and I immediately want to start another one. Before I am even finished reading my weekly new comics I am looking to see what releases are coming out the next Wednesday. I already read too many monthly titles and consistently get swept up in new ones! I am constantly adding things to my Amazon list despite it being way too long and ridiculous as it is! I read Rolling Stone and SPIN to stay current in music & I am always on the lookout for concert updates! I repeatedly search cooking web sites for recipes and lifestyle sites for dining suggestions. I just bought a new BJJ t-shirt the other day and look forward to every UFC event notification. Why am I so…obsessed? And is it a bad thing to be so?

I just cannot get enough of these passions of mine and yet I have to tell you, and I am telling you true, all of these things pale in comparison to my love for my girls. My Mrs. and my 14 year old daughter, now can you even imagine how much I love them? Nope, I didn’t think so. Until next time, thanks for stopping by.

U2, living in the moment, appreciating what we have

Last night I was taking the train home from seeing Watchmen with my good friend Shannon and several things coursed their way through my mind. The first was that U2's early albums are still absolutely incredible. I've worked my way through Boy, October, War, and I am now up to the Unforgettable Fire. Edge's guitar playing still stirs something up in me that I cannot quite describe. I just cannot get over how good a band they were so early in their career, I Will Follow is the first track on their first album, wrap your head around that!

And I know, I know, Bono wants to save the world...yadda, yadda, yadda...save it. They are incredible band who write incredible songs. Leave Bono's messianic complex at the door an just enjoy the music. It is possible to separate the two and there are worse things than wanting to put a stop to poverty and AIDS aren't there?

And yes, I have listened to the new album three times and I am still not falling in love with it. I decided to start over and work my way back. I want to enjoy the journey these boys from Dublin have made to get us to this point here in 2009. That's also something to think about, these fellows have been together without a break, making music, recording, touring, the whole deal, without a single line up change since 1976! That's 32 years!

OK, enough of the U2 fan boy nonsense, and no I am not Irish, I just marry Irish. This leads us to my next thought. I was thinking about my wife, Erin, and about some of my favorite memories of our six and a half years together. And I was thinking that some of my favorite memories are not of the huge life changing variety. I mean, of course, our wedding was fantastic and one of the most amazing nights of my life. And yes, it was amazing standing there holding her hand and staring up at Big Ben in London.

However, perhaps my favorite memory, is kissing her in the rain outside of her old apartment in Long Beach. And I thought about how early on in our relationship we were walking along the beach, it was at night and I was dressed in a really nice new pair of black slacks and Erin asked me to sit in the sand with her. I told her I didn't want to get sand all over my nice pants! What a fucking moron! How could I not sit in the sand by the ocean with this young woman that I was falling in love with?

Last night when Erin picked me up from the subway I was telling her how I felt that memories of the little things like those I have mentioned here were so important. And how much I regretted not sitting in the sand with her that night.

Sometimes we worry that my daughter is far too concerned with what everyone else is doing or will be doing and not what she herself is doing or will be doing. She always seems so concerned with what she may be missing or could have missed/will miss that she misses everything. She often does not seem to enjoy what she is doing because she gets so wrapped up in watching what everyone else is doing.

I know fear that she may have gotten this from me. Too many times I am looking back or ahead and not enjoying what I am doing. I am worried about what tomorrow will bring or what happened yesterday and not enjoying what I am doing. I think this is partly due to the fact that for a while I thought only of the moment and completely disregarded the consequences of my actions. I lived completely in the moment and was totally dedicated to doing whatever would make me most happy at that exact moment. This is not a good way to go about things either I soon found out.

So I think that in an effort to avoid this behavior I shifted to completely the opposite. I was always looking to what comes next and not what's going on now. What am I doing tomorrow or this weekend? That I have to be at work the next morning instead of enjoying the night I have to spend alone with my wife.

I've realized that I need to focus more on the moment, to enjoy the here and now and to not be rushing off to tomorrow or next weekend. It is good to have things to look forward to but not so much so that you don't enjoy where you are at present. I need to stop worrying about the fact that I may not be perfectly mastering a technique in Jiu Jitsu and appreciate the moment that I am being taught and the privilege of learning from such great instructors. I need to stop and enjoy my daughter giggling as I tease her or makes jokes and stop worrying about what time she has to be at a Girl Scouts function the next day. I need to enjoy sitting and watching a movie with my wife's head on my chest and stop thinking about how much work I have on my desk waiting for me the next day.

I also thought about the fact that there are so many people out there right now who have it so much worse than I do. I know that sometimes I can be overcome by thoughts of sorrow or hopelessness or frustration and that part of that is genetic and part of it is my own obsessing over meaningless crap. I am a lucky man, I am married to a fantastic woman, I have a wonderful daughter, my wife and I have good jobs, and a nice house. I have a wonderful family and amazing friends.

I have lost my father, who was one of my absolute most favorite people in the entire world. But I have not lost everything. And instead of focusing on the fact that I lost someone that I loved so very much, I think I need to try and focus more on the fact that I still have so many people who I love and who love me so very much. And to be grateful for what I do have instead of being so angry about what I no longer have anymore. And I need also need to be grateful for all those years I did have with my father. I got a little over 32 years with him and that's 29 more than Erin got with her Dad. And I need to cherish those memories, instead of regretting that there will not be more of them.
So I just want to say, stop living in the past, stop longing for the future, and live in and love the moment that you are in.