I am broken, irreparably so, this is something that I am acutely aware of. It is an undeniable fact, one I have known for quite some time. How did I break, who or what broke me, when did I first become broken? These are questions that I do not have the answer to. However I do know what is broken and I do know that it something that cannot possibly be fixed, ever. My psyche is quite literally a mess.
There have been several different opinions as to what is “wrong” with me. I put the word wrong in quotes because I feel that the description is incorrect, I feel that the word I used previously, broken, is the more correct term for my mental situation. However, society at large would probably consider wrong to be the correct word. Some have called it major depressive disorder, some have called it manic depression, and others have called me a mopey fuck. And still others have referred to me as being “whacky” or “strange.” The word irritable has been tossed around as well.
To me, the labels are just really superfluous, whichever one you decide to use. One way or another, the fact remains, I am broken. It is not something I can control or “work on” or rehabilitate. I often get sad for absolutely reason. Or a single e-mail or comment or action can sometimes send me spiraling down into an abyss of self loathing with omnipresent thoughts of self destruction.
And then there are times when I go on a tear and buy a ton of shit I do not need because I just absolutely had to have them. And I have become an absurd completist as far as some of my interests are concerned. Buying DVDs I do not have the time to watch or albums that I do not consider particularly good or essential just because I NEED to have them in my collection.
Then there is my propensity to become so totally and extremely frustrated with a person or situation seemingly instantaneously. One moment I am fine and the next a wrong sentence or look or reaction has me completely consumed with anger or frustration to the point where I have to immediately step away to avoid a potentially explosive event. Or there will be times when one moment I am completely fine and the next anything and everything irritates me so wholly and completely that I become absolutely impossible to be around.
I also find myself at times being completely unable to feel good about myself. Despite the huge strides I have made in improving my physical appearance I still find so many things to hate when I look in the mirror. And I cannot seem to stop picking myself apart and just wanting to destroy myself because I do not see what I want to see in that reflection.
Or I become so fixated and obsessed with completing a goal or task that failure to do so leaves me feeling completely crushed, hollow, and empty inside. As if I am not worth the dog shit stuck to someone’s shoe, that I am a complete and utter disappointment and failure to all those who were foolish enough to believe in me or count on me.
So yes, I am broken, I cannot be fixed or cured or rehabilitated. I am aware of this and it does not please nor am I looking to use it as an excuse. It is what it is as I am what I am. Broken.
Friday, January 8, 2010
Wednesday, December 30, 2009
What I am currently listening to, reading, watching, playing
Albums currently in heavy rotation:
White Lies – To Lose My Life…
Dead Man’s Bones – Dead Man’s Bones
Phoenix – Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix
Editors – In This Light and On This Evening
Yeah Yeah Yeahs – It’s Blitz!
The xx – xx
Owl City – Ocean Eyes
Ladyhawke – Ladyhawke
The Big Pink – A Brief History of Love
Julian Casablancas – Phrazes for the Young
Florence + the Machine – Lungs
La Roux – La Roux
Wilco – Wilco (The Album)Weezer – Raditude
Currently Reading:
The Complete Guide to Gracie Jiu-Jitsu by Rodrigo Gracie & Kid Peligro
Eating the Dinosaur by Chuck Klosterman
Currently watching:
Cobrinha BJJ 3 DVD Set with Rubens Charles
Films recently watched:
The United States of Leland (2003)
Stay (2005)
Currently dominating the PS3:
The Beatles: Rock Band
White Lies – To Lose My Life…
Dead Man’s Bones – Dead Man’s Bones
Phoenix – Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix
Editors – In This Light and On This Evening
Yeah Yeah Yeahs – It’s Blitz!
The xx – xx
Owl City – Ocean Eyes
Ladyhawke – Ladyhawke
The Big Pink – A Brief History of Love
Julian Casablancas – Phrazes for the Young
Florence + the Machine – Lungs
La Roux – La Roux
Wilco – Wilco (The Album)Weezer – Raditude
Currently Reading:
The Complete Guide to Gracie Jiu-Jitsu by Rodrigo Gracie & Kid Peligro
Eating the Dinosaur by Chuck Klosterman
Currently watching:
Cobrinha BJJ 3 DVD Set with Rubens Charles
Films recently watched:
The United States of Leland (2003)
Stay (2005)
Currently dominating the PS3:
The Beatles: Rock Band
Friday, October 30, 2009
When do we stop using the type(s) of music we enjoy to define who we are, or do we ever?
My Thursday night Muay Thai class was cancelled this week due to my instructor being under the weather and Team Serra two alternates being unavailable. Normally, I most likely would have been extremely disappointed. However for the past few days a sinus cold has been kicking the crap out of me and Erin is going to be away for the weekend at her brother & sister-in-law’s house in Atlanta. So, I was glad to have a night at home to rest and spent a bit of extra time with the Mrs. before she left for her trip this morning. So, this how I ended up flipping channels on a Thursday night while eating a DiGiorno pizza with my wife. Oh, and by the way, if you can’t tell if it’s deliver or DiGiorno, you either have shitty taste in pizza or have never had real pizza, ever.
While flipping channels I stopped when I hit the IFC Channel as they were showing the documentary film Goth Cruise. Now I had remembered hearing about this documentary as a girl I knew from my clubbing days had posted on facebook that she and her husband were featured in the film. So, I left it on with more than the cursory interest that I might have normally had. As most of the people who would have any reason to read this would know, I was pretty damn immersed in the NYC/LI Goth scene for a number of years. Hell, Erin and I met at a show my brother’s old band was playing at a Goth club. We sat there watching it, while munching on our store bought pizza, commenting here and there about this song or this outfit. Erin laughed when Amanda, the aforementioned acquaintance, appeared on screen wearing the same I, Synthesist t-shirt that I frequently wear. I, Synthesist is a band fronted by an acquaintance of my brother. I must admit, while I do dig a few of their songs, I mostly wear the shirt because I like the way it fits on me! However I did remember that Amanda was a big fan of theirs.
Our watching of this little documentary lead to my questioning my wife if she liked it better when I dressed more Goth or the way that I dress now. She told me that she prefers my current wardrobe which usually consists of t-shirts and jeans, the occasional hooded sweat shirt or button down with Doc Marten shoes or my limited edition Alkaline Trio Nikes. She prefers when then t-shirts have shorter sleeves that reveal more tattoo and biceps and have a logo or design of some sort. A favorite is the shirt I picked up at the Dead Man’s Bones concert.
This combined with the fantastic book I am currently reading, How Soon Is Never by Marc Spitz, reminded me how much the type of music we listen to often affects how we dress and how we define ourselves. If someone asked me in Junior High or the first year or so of High School, what are you? My response probably would have been I’m a Metal Head. And with my wardrobe consisting mostly of Metallica, Megadeth, and Slayer t-shirts worn with tight black or blue jeans and combat boots most likely would have lead you to believe me. And in my High School, that really was how you defined yourself, metal heads listened to metal, hoodies listened to hip hop or rap, guidos listened to TKA. That’s just the way it was.
By the time I was in college the uniform and music had changed. The wardrobe was now dominated by Depeche Mode, Smiths, Cure, and Morrissey shirts or black button downs, but still with boots and tight jeans! And most nights were spent at Goth clubs swirling around the dance floor with similarly dressed boys and girls in corsets with my black eyeliner, lip stick, and nail polish topping it all off. As I got more into the Goth subculture my wardrobe expanded to include shiny vinyl pants, velvet skirts, mesh shirts, bondage pants and even more impressive knee high, steel toed combat boots. And I frequently dressed that way whether I was at a club or not. Working at Tower Records afforded me the kind of freedom of dress that a lot of other jobs don’t. In college it seemed that this still had an impact on how you defined yourself, were you Goth, a Punk, a hard core kid, or an indie rocker? Maybe you were in a fraternity or sorority and were just one of the Greeks?
As I got older, I just seemed to stop dressing that way. I have not stopped listening to the music, and hell, I’m listening to Tomorrow by Morrissey as I type this. I have over 7,000 songs on my iPod and I own over 1,000 CDs. The genres of music stretch from Classic Rock, to Heavy Metal, to Hip Hop, to Rap, to Disco, to Industrial, to Punk, to New Wave, to Industrial, to Alternative, to Ska and on and on. What I listen to no longer dictates how I dress, I wear what I feel comfortable in and what I think looks good. Sure, I still wear t-shirts of bands that I like, but I also wear a lot of Straight Edge and Serra Jiu-Jitsu shirts. And if someone said, what are you? I certainly would not use the contents of my iPod or wardrobe to define who I am.
First of all, what I am listening to can be so different on a day to day basis that I can no longer see myself saying, I’m Goth or I’m a Punk or an Indie Rocker. I mean people obviously still do this, hence the Goth Cruise flick. And I know people still call themselves Hipsters and Punks and the like. I’m just not one of them. I don’t know when or how this happened and I don’t know why. It just did. I still love music more than most people love their pets but I don’t let it dictate who or what I am. Hell, I don’t let my job do that.
The clearest definition of who I am is probably right here on this very blog, in the little blurb to the right: Married, father, writer, musician, straight edge, beginning BJJ practitioner. This is how I choose to define myself. And I think it fits even better than my I, Synthesist t-shirt. Until next time, take care.
While flipping channels I stopped when I hit the IFC Channel as they were showing the documentary film Goth Cruise. Now I had remembered hearing about this documentary as a girl I knew from my clubbing days had posted on facebook that she and her husband were featured in the film. So, I left it on with more than the cursory interest that I might have normally had. As most of the people who would have any reason to read this would know, I was pretty damn immersed in the NYC/LI Goth scene for a number of years. Hell, Erin and I met at a show my brother’s old band was playing at a Goth club. We sat there watching it, while munching on our store bought pizza, commenting here and there about this song or this outfit. Erin laughed when Amanda, the aforementioned acquaintance, appeared on screen wearing the same I, Synthesist t-shirt that I frequently wear. I, Synthesist is a band fronted by an acquaintance of my brother. I must admit, while I do dig a few of their songs, I mostly wear the shirt because I like the way it fits on me! However I did remember that Amanda was a big fan of theirs.
Our watching of this little documentary lead to my questioning my wife if she liked it better when I dressed more Goth or the way that I dress now. She told me that she prefers my current wardrobe which usually consists of t-shirts and jeans, the occasional hooded sweat shirt or button down with Doc Marten shoes or my limited edition Alkaline Trio Nikes. She prefers when then t-shirts have shorter sleeves that reveal more tattoo and biceps and have a logo or design of some sort. A favorite is the shirt I picked up at the Dead Man’s Bones concert.
This combined with the fantastic book I am currently reading, How Soon Is Never by Marc Spitz, reminded me how much the type of music we listen to often affects how we dress and how we define ourselves. If someone asked me in Junior High or the first year or so of High School, what are you? My response probably would have been I’m a Metal Head. And with my wardrobe consisting mostly of Metallica, Megadeth, and Slayer t-shirts worn with tight black or blue jeans and combat boots most likely would have lead you to believe me. And in my High School, that really was how you defined yourself, metal heads listened to metal, hoodies listened to hip hop or rap, guidos listened to TKA. That’s just the way it was.
By the time I was in college the uniform and music had changed. The wardrobe was now dominated by Depeche Mode, Smiths, Cure, and Morrissey shirts or black button downs, but still with boots and tight jeans! And most nights were spent at Goth clubs swirling around the dance floor with similarly dressed boys and girls in corsets with my black eyeliner, lip stick, and nail polish topping it all off. As I got more into the Goth subculture my wardrobe expanded to include shiny vinyl pants, velvet skirts, mesh shirts, bondage pants and even more impressive knee high, steel toed combat boots. And I frequently dressed that way whether I was at a club or not. Working at Tower Records afforded me the kind of freedom of dress that a lot of other jobs don’t. In college it seemed that this still had an impact on how you defined yourself, were you Goth, a Punk, a hard core kid, or an indie rocker? Maybe you were in a fraternity or sorority and were just one of the Greeks?
As I got older, I just seemed to stop dressing that way. I have not stopped listening to the music, and hell, I’m listening to Tomorrow by Morrissey as I type this. I have over 7,000 songs on my iPod and I own over 1,000 CDs. The genres of music stretch from Classic Rock, to Heavy Metal, to Hip Hop, to Rap, to Disco, to Industrial, to Punk, to New Wave, to Industrial, to Alternative, to Ska and on and on. What I listen to no longer dictates how I dress, I wear what I feel comfortable in and what I think looks good. Sure, I still wear t-shirts of bands that I like, but I also wear a lot of Straight Edge and Serra Jiu-Jitsu shirts. And if someone said, what are you? I certainly would not use the contents of my iPod or wardrobe to define who I am.
First of all, what I am listening to can be so different on a day to day basis that I can no longer see myself saying, I’m Goth or I’m a Punk or an Indie Rocker. I mean people obviously still do this, hence the Goth Cruise flick. And I know people still call themselves Hipsters and Punks and the like. I’m just not one of them. I don’t know when or how this happened and I don’t know why. It just did. I still love music more than most people love their pets but I don’t let it dictate who or what I am. Hell, I don’t let my job do that.
The clearest definition of who I am is probably right here on this very blog, in the little blurb to the right: Married, father, writer, musician, straight edge, beginning BJJ practitioner. This is how I choose to define myself. And I think it fits even better than my I, Synthesist t-shirt. Until next time, take care.
Tuesday, October 27, 2009
My Aging Alternative Icons and more…
Morrissey collapsed on stage Saturday, October 24 after performing one song at his show, then falling to the ground, unconscious. He was "stable" at a hospital in Swindon, England, on Sunday morning, according to a hospital spokeswoman quoted by the British Telegraph. I certainly wish the Moz a full and speedy recovery. He has had such an awesome resurgence over the last five years, putting out several fantastic albums in a row: You Are the Quarry in 2004, Live at Earls Court in 2005, Ringleader of the Tormentors in 2006, and Years of Refusal in 2009.
Morrissey’s recent ailment as well as Dave Gahan’s recent health issues during this past year while on tour was reason to give me pause and realize that some of my biggest musical influences are getting on in years now. Dave Gahan is 47, Martin Gore is 48, Morrissey is 50, Henry Rollins is 48, Johnny Marr is 45, Mike Ness is 47, Robert Smith is 50, Bono is 49, and the Edge is 48. Well, at least Rivers Cuomo at 39, Matt Skiba at 33, and Dan Andriano at 32 are all close to or at my age! I know that it shouldn’t have escaped my attention that most of my influences were getting up there in terms of numbers. I mean, they have been actively contributing to the musical landscape since the late 70’s and I was not even born until 1976 and am now clocking in at 33 years old myself.
However, the realization of my aging alternative icons did give me a bit of a shake. I mean, if the HOT ANIMAL MACHINE Henry Rollins is aging…what the hell is to become of me? I remember being in high school and buying a cassette (yes, that’s right, a cassette) of the End of Silence off of some kid in the locker room. Low Self Opinion used to just, DESTROY me. And I still love to blast that song. And Weight and Come In & Burn are both fantastic records as well. And I know I need not speak of how I feel about Hank’s literary output. If this guy is getting on in years, man…that means we’re all aging!
And yes, of course I have realized that I am getting older, hell if the scant grey hairs in my goatee don’t tell me that the fact that my DAUGHTER will be eleven in February sure as hell does! And I have certainly stepped up my efforts this past year to stave off the effects of aging as best as I can. Between Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu twice a week, Muay Thai once a week, my additional daily works outs six times a week, and add to that my much improved eating habits and I am in the best physical condition of my entire life.
Yet there are still effects of the aging process that I feel every day. My joints often hurt and my legs are tired as hell after hitting the elliptical for a half hour. I also require much more sleep than I used to. I remember the days when I could run at peak efficiency on as little as two hours of sleep! I can still pull a day like that out if absolutely necessary but chances are I would be seriously hurting from it! These days with my waking up at five AM Monday to Friday I am usually nodding off by eleven PM. Gone are the days of the sleep deprivation machine that I once was!
Of course, there are advantages to getting older as well. I appreciate a lot of the little things as well as the big things so much more. My idea of “going out” or “doing something” has drastically changed as I have gotten older. Having a cup of coffee or dinner with a friend is big deal now and just spending a day walking around the Village with my wife is a treasure. And when I was in college I used to go to shows all the time! Did I enjoy and appreciate them; of course I did, but not nearly as much as I do now, because I don’t have the time to experience them as often. I also used to have all the time in the world to grab a cup of coffee or a meal with a friend, whereas now scheduling conflicts rule the day! Between who has a job with a whacky schedule, who’s married, who has kids, who’s in a band there are so many outside factors to planning a get together! So when we can make them happen, we really enjoy them!
Ugh, enough about my old decrepit ass! MOVING ON! When will people learn that negative reinforcement is about as useful as pouring water on a grease fire? I mean, does anyone really respond all that well to threats and constant brow beating in a work environment? All that does for me is make me tense up, frustrate me, and put me on the defensive. Now, how exactly, is this conducive to better job performance? Heaven forbid you question their methods, because then you’re not open to criticism and not a team player, as well as not willing to work to improve upon your weaknesses. I love when people who have never taken management classes are allowed to manage others. It’s awesome!
I guess this is enough whining for now! Turn in next time for even more bitching and kvetching! No, no, hopefully the next blog will be of a more positive nature. I just needed to get all this out. Thanks for listening (reading).
Morrissey’s recent ailment as well as Dave Gahan’s recent health issues during this past year while on tour was reason to give me pause and realize that some of my biggest musical influences are getting on in years now. Dave Gahan is 47, Martin Gore is 48, Morrissey is 50, Henry Rollins is 48, Johnny Marr is 45, Mike Ness is 47, Robert Smith is 50, Bono is 49, and the Edge is 48. Well, at least Rivers Cuomo at 39, Matt Skiba at 33, and Dan Andriano at 32 are all close to or at my age! I know that it shouldn’t have escaped my attention that most of my influences were getting up there in terms of numbers. I mean, they have been actively contributing to the musical landscape since the late 70’s and I was not even born until 1976 and am now clocking in at 33 years old myself.
However, the realization of my aging alternative icons did give me a bit of a shake. I mean, if the HOT ANIMAL MACHINE Henry Rollins is aging…what the hell is to become of me? I remember being in high school and buying a cassette (yes, that’s right, a cassette) of the End of Silence off of some kid in the locker room. Low Self Opinion used to just, DESTROY me. And I still love to blast that song. And Weight and Come In & Burn are both fantastic records as well. And I know I need not speak of how I feel about Hank’s literary output. If this guy is getting on in years, man…that means we’re all aging!
And yes, of course I have realized that I am getting older, hell if the scant grey hairs in my goatee don’t tell me that the fact that my DAUGHTER will be eleven in February sure as hell does! And I have certainly stepped up my efforts this past year to stave off the effects of aging as best as I can. Between Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu twice a week, Muay Thai once a week, my additional daily works outs six times a week, and add to that my much improved eating habits and I am in the best physical condition of my entire life.
Yet there are still effects of the aging process that I feel every day. My joints often hurt and my legs are tired as hell after hitting the elliptical for a half hour. I also require much more sleep than I used to. I remember the days when I could run at peak efficiency on as little as two hours of sleep! I can still pull a day like that out if absolutely necessary but chances are I would be seriously hurting from it! These days with my waking up at five AM Monday to Friday I am usually nodding off by eleven PM. Gone are the days of the sleep deprivation machine that I once was!
Of course, there are advantages to getting older as well. I appreciate a lot of the little things as well as the big things so much more. My idea of “going out” or “doing something” has drastically changed as I have gotten older. Having a cup of coffee or dinner with a friend is big deal now and just spending a day walking around the Village with my wife is a treasure. And when I was in college I used to go to shows all the time! Did I enjoy and appreciate them; of course I did, but not nearly as much as I do now, because I don’t have the time to experience them as often. I also used to have all the time in the world to grab a cup of coffee or a meal with a friend, whereas now scheduling conflicts rule the day! Between who has a job with a whacky schedule, who’s married, who has kids, who’s in a band there are so many outside factors to planning a get together! So when we can make them happen, we really enjoy them!
Ugh, enough about my old decrepit ass! MOVING ON! When will people learn that negative reinforcement is about as useful as pouring water on a grease fire? I mean, does anyone really respond all that well to threats and constant brow beating in a work environment? All that does for me is make me tense up, frustrate me, and put me on the defensive. Now, how exactly, is this conducive to better job performance? Heaven forbid you question their methods, because then you’re not open to criticism and not a team player, as well as not willing to work to improve upon your weaknesses. I love when people who have never taken management classes are allowed to manage others. It’s awesome!
I guess this is enough whining for now! Turn in next time for even more bitching and kvetching! No, no, hopefully the next blog will be of a more positive nature. I just needed to get all this out. Thanks for listening (reading).
Monday, October 26, 2009
The Weekend That Was
This weekend was a good one, but one that went all too fast, all the same. You know that actually makes me laugh to myself a bit, the idea of the weekend going by so quickly. Of course it goes by quickly, what are we comparing it to, the rest of the week? Of course the weekend ended as it usually does, with me lamenting the fact that we all spend so much more time at work than we do out of it, or seemingly so.
Friday night was a quiet one at home, I made some beef tacos and my Mom joined us for dinner. Saturday I dropped the little one off at religion and then headed off for some no gi training with Team Serra. Fantastic class with Monsta and Crazy Eddie taking the helm due to the usual suspects being off at the Renzo Gracie Invitational, Monsta’s warm up was intense! Side steps to the inside, sprawls, pushups, and sprinting. We then worked on defending strikes from above while holding your opponent in your guard and transitioning from there into a Kimura. We also did some feet on the floor matches with time limits. Monsta was encouraging us to finish our opponents and continually reminded us that we do not get decisions. This of course was a calling back to the injustice that was Master Sensei Matt Serra’s fight against Matt Hughes in May. And little did I know it was foreshadowing for later on that night!
Saturday night was a good time as I was joined by training partners Chris Brady and Andrew Frisa and Andrew’s brother Peter for UFC 104 at my place. We enjoyed some chips, Buffalo Chicken Dip, and BBQ chicken pizza along with Diet IBC Root Beer for me and well….regular beer for them! However, a slight damper was put on the evening due to what we felt to be a hugely erroneous decision in the main event. We all had thought that Mauricio “Shogun” Rua had clearly defeated Lyoto “the Dragon” Machida for the UFC Light Heavyweight Title however, the inept judges apparently thought otherwise giving Machida the victory via unanimous decision. Total miscarriage of justice in our opinion as Machida clearly sustained the most damage as his legs were incredibly bruised and his face was clearly busted up. Plus Rua clearly landed more shots in the fight and was dominant. I guess the judges at the Staples Center saw otherwise. Either that or, as usual, were boxing judges who don’t know a damn thing about MMA. UFC President Dana White is well known to say that fighters should never let fights go to the judges, because this is the kind of thing that can happen. White was also quoted as saying that he believed Rua had won the fight, and that a rematch would be the next fight for both men.
Sunday I had to drop Lyric off at her mother’s place early as they were attending a surprise party that afternoon. I headed home from that and got an early start on the laundry. Erin was out doing some birthday shopping for her nephew with her Mother and while they were gone I took the opportunity to make some oatmeal cookies, one of her favorites, for Erin. When Erin returned home we tried to figure out a good plan for the day ended up driving into Forest Hills and then hopping the subway into the Village.
We walked around for a while trying to decide on a spot for an early dinner and ended up settling on a place called Murphy & Gonzalez Pub and Cocina (http://www.murphy-gonzalez.com/). The food was very good however we both later regretted that we seem to be falling into a bit of a rut lately whenever we dine out. Always going for the safe bet (pub food, Mexican, Italian, Chinese, etc.) instead of trying different and more diverse fare. We realized while we were eating and also once we had finished and walked around a bit more, spotting several interesting restaurants. Erin had said that at the time she had thought we should eat quickly because she thought that I was really hungry, however I thought that she was just in the mood for the type of restaurant we ended up at. So, a little miscommunication there but not a big deal as we did enjoy the food that we ate, just a reminder to not always assume.
We continued our walk around the Village and grabbed some Starbucks and then checked out Urban Outfitters. A few coats in there that Erin liked but not at the prices they were asking for. We then ended up at this little café for more coffee! Man, the guy in there was such a tool box. Listen, I understand that working in these cafes probably sucks, but hey pal, I didn’t force you to get a job there and neither did my wife. We are both big time “please and thank you” people and don’t deserve your snotty attitude. He literally shoved our coffee and tea at us! Then when Erin asked for a fork he said “They’re over there.” Pointing to where the sugar, milk, and etc. were. Erin walked over looked around, no forks. She came back and asked again, he repeated his sentence again in an even snottier tone to which Erin replied with a smile “I’m sorry, I don’t see them, am I missing them?” of course he got a look on his face like Erin shit in his cornflakes as he went over to look. “Oh, sorry about that, let me get you one.” What a fucking tool box.
After our coffee and tea we headed back to Forest Hills, picked up the car and headed home. The Giants horrific loss to the Cardinals was broken up by a great new episode of Dexter. Awesome performance in this episode by Jennifer Carpenter as Det. Debra Morgan and John Lithgow continues to be awesome in his role as the Trinity Killer. However Julie Benz continues to rub me the wrong way in her portrayal as Dexter’s wife Rita. She comes off as an annoying, nagging, shrew when I am sure that I am SUPPOSED to be sympathizing with her. Of course Michael C. Hall is phenomenal as always in his role as Dexter Morgan. Meanwhile the Giants infuriated me with their second piss poor effort in a row. They really need to get their shit together if they’re going to challenge in the post season.
And here we are at Monday again, I’m back at work and the Mrs. is still stuck on the Grand Jury. Meanwhile I’m wishing I was either home with her or on the mats at Serra. I also have some lyrics floating around in my head. Hopefully something will come of them. I finished the fantastic “A Mad Dash” by Henry Rollins this weekend and I am now again without a book. The new issues of Rolling Stone and Spin will help to get me through the commute for now.
Well, I babbled on far too long again with nothing of much importance to say I’m afraid. Ah well, anyone who stumbles upon this blog should know what to expect by now. Until next time, be well.
Friday night was a quiet one at home, I made some beef tacos and my Mom joined us for dinner. Saturday I dropped the little one off at religion and then headed off for some no gi training with Team Serra. Fantastic class with Monsta and Crazy Eddie taking the helm due to the usual suspects being off at the Renzo Gracie Invitational, Monsta’s warm up was intense! Side steps to the inside, sprawls, pushups, and sprinting. We then worked on defending strikes from above while holding your opponent in your guard and transitioning from there into a Kimura. We also did some feet on the floor matches with time limits. Monsta was encouraging us to finish our opponents and continually reminded us that we do not get decisions. This of course was a calling back to the injustice that was Master Sensei Matt Serra’s fight against Matt Hughes in May. And little did I know it was foreshadowing for later on that night!
Saturday night was a good time as I was joined by training partners Chris Brady and Andrew Frisa and Andrew’s brother Peter for UFC 104 at my place. We enjoyed some chips, Buffalo Chicken Dip, and BBQ chicken pizza along with Diet IBC Root Beer for me and well….regular beer for them! However, a slight damper was put on the evening due to what we felt to be a hugely erroneous decision in the main event. We all had thought that Mauricio “Shogun” Rua had clearly defeated Lyoto “the Dragon” Machida for the UFC Light Heavyweight Title however, the inept judges apparently thought otherwise giving Machida the victory via unanimous decision. Total miscarriage of justice in our opinion as Machida clearly sustained the most damage as his legs were incredibly bruised and his face was clearly busted up. Plus Rua clearly landed more shots in the fight and was dominant. I guess the judges at the Staples Center saw otherwise. Either that or, as usual, were boxing judges who don’t know a damn thing about MMA. UFC President Dana White is well known to say that fighters should never let fights go to the judges, because this is the kind of thing that can happen. White was also quoted as saying that he believed Rua had won the fight, and that a rematch would be the next fight for both men.
Sunday I had to drop Lyric off at her mother’s place early as they were attending a surprise party that afternoon. I headed home from that and got an early start on the laundry. Erin was out doing some birthday shopping for her nephew with her Mother and while they were gone I took the opportunity to make some oatmeal cookies, one of her favorites, for Erin. When Erin returned home we tried to figure out a good plan for the day ended up driving into Forest Hills and then hopping the subway into the Village.
We walked around for a while trying to decide on a spot for an early dinner and ended up settling on a place called Murphy & Gonzalez Pub and Cocina (http://www.murphy-gonzalez.com/). The food was very good however we both later regretted that we seem to be falling into a bit of a rut lately whenever we dine out. Always going for the safe bet (pub food, Mexican, Italian, Chinese, etc.) instead of trying different and more diverse fare. We realized while we were eating and also once we had finished and walked around a bit more, spotting several interesting restaurants. Erin had said that at the time she had thought we should eat quickly because she thought that I was really hungry, however I thought that she was just in the mood for the type of restaurant we ended up at. So, a little miscommunication there but not a big deal as we did enjoy the food that we ate, just a reminder to not always assume.
We continued our walk around the Village and grabbed some Starbucks and then checked out Urban Outfitters. A few coats in there that Erin liked but not at the prices they were asking for. We then ended up at this little café for more coffee! Man, the guy in there was such a tool box. Listen, I understand that working in these cafes probably sucks, but hey pal, I didn’t force you to get a job there and neither did my wife. We are both big time “please and thank you” people and don’t deserve your snotty attitude. He literally shoved our coffee and tea at us! Then when Erin asked for a fork he said “They’re over there.” Pointing to where the sugar, milk, and etc. were. Erin walked over looked around, no forks. She came back and asked again, he repeated his sentence again in an even snottier tone to which Erin replied with a smile “I’m sorry, I don’t see them, am I missing them?” of course he got a look on his face like Erin shit in his cornflakes as he went over to look. “Oh, sorry about that, let me get you one.” What a fucking tool box.
After our coffee and tea we headed back to Forest Hills, picked up the car and headed home. The Giants horrific loss to the Cardinals was broken up by a great new episode of Dexter. Awesome performance in this episode by Jennifer Carpenter as Det. Debra Morgan and John Lithgow continues to be awesome in his role as the Trinity Killer. However Julie Benz continues to rub me the wrong way in her portrayal as Dexter’s wife Rita. She comes off as an annoying, nagging, shrew when I am sure that I am SUPPOSED to be sympathizing with her. Of course Michael C. Hall is phenomenal as always in his role as Dexter Morgan. Meanwhile the Giants infuriated me with their second piss poor effort in a row. They really need to get their shit together if they’re going to challenge in the post season.
And here we are at Monday again, I’m back at work and the Mrs. is still stuck on the Grand Jury. Meanwhile I’m wishing I was either home with her or on the mats at Serra. I also have some lyrics floating around in my head. Hopefully something will come of them. I finished the fantastic “A Mad Dash” by Henry Rollins this weekend and I am now again without a book. The new issues of Rolling Stone and Spin will help to get me through the commute for now.
Well, I babbled on far too long again with nothing of much importance to say I’m afraid. Ah well, anyone who stumbles upon this blog should know what to expect by now. Until next time, be well.
Thursday, October 22, 2009
One Year Anniversary, BJJ, Muay Thai, writing, etc. etc
A year ago yesterday I walked through the doors of Serra Jiu-Jitsu for the first time and my life has not been the same since. I have lost 40 pounds and gained more than I can ever say. I would like to thank all my instructors and training partners, hopefully one day I will be good enough to make them all proud!
I am hitting the Jiu-Jitsu as hard as I possibly can. After achieving my fourth stripe back on August 25 my obsession with earning my blue belt has increased immensely. And I had thought that it was at peak levels before, boy was I wrong! I love Jiu-Jitsu so much and want so badly to perform well! I know I have to keep walking through that door and have faith that every time I train I am improving, even if I cannot see it, it is there.
I have been hitting the beginners gi class on Tuesday nights and since June 20th I have moved on to taking the advanced no gi class on Saturday afternoons every week. The difference in gi and no gi is very clear and a big adjustment for sure. Add to that facing the upper belts and doing feet on the floor matches and conga lines and the intensity is huge. Everyone is great though and extremely helpful. I am very lucky to train with such great teammates who want nothing but to help everyone get better. Everyone is so selfless and wants to help everyone else out. Such a fantastic environment to train in! Not to mention the unbelievable instructors we have!
This past Tuesday after my regular beginners gi class I was asked by Del, one of our instructors, if I would be able to stay for the competition class to help Nikole, one of our blue belts, to get ready for an upcoming competition. Del, warned me that the class was "not fun." Of course I jumped at the chance to work with someone as experienced as Nikole! She was awesome to work with and I really enjoyed the class. Man, two classes back to back, especially one as intense as the competition class was a hell of a work out!
Again I must apologize as it has been quite some time since my last post. I am however making a renewed commitment to posting something on here every day. Even if it is just a few sentences, I need to write every day. I feel that it will improve my state of mind and to help me achieve some clarity.
I have also decided that I should start carrying my digital camera with me every where I go. The thing is so small and light it's ridiculous not to have it with me. Especially when I live and work where I do, there are so many things that catch my eye and make me stop and think on a daily basis. I am no photographer, not by a long shot, but I would love to just give it a run of taking photos of the things that catch my eye. Besides, I have a huge memory card in the thing and it takes what, 2 seconds to delete a shot I don't like?
I have Muay Thai tonight for the first time in a few weeks. I missed class on 10/1 as my old shoulder injury was acting up and I wanted to rest my arm so that it would be good to go for Jiu-Jitsu on that Saturday. I missed class on 10/8 as we were leaving for Salem, Mass the next day and I had to pick up Lyric, pack, and settle some last minute details. And then I missed class last week on 10/15 as Erin and I had tickets to the Dead Man's Bones show. I am a little nervous as the Muay Thai class is very intense. I am also pretty damn sore in my hips for some reason the past two days. Glucosamine don't fail me now! Of course this has not stopped me from my daily cardio routines!
Speaking of the Dead Man's Bones show, what an awesome show! It was the best time I have had at a show in a long time! They played so well and were having such a good time up there! Those fellas really make me want to find time to pick up the guitar again and write some damn music! I love their album too, if you have not picked it up yet, I definitely recommend it!
Well, I think that I have prattled on for long enough today! I will be back tomorrow with more of my incessant rambling!
Currently Reading:
A Mad Dash (Limited Edition, signed by the author) by Henry Rollins
Currently dominating my iPod:
Dead Man’s Bones – Dead Man’s Bones
Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs – It’s Blitz!
M83 – Saturdays = Youth
Ladyhawke – Ladyhawke
Silversun Pickups - Swoon
I am hitting the Jiu-Jitsu as hard as I possibly can. After achieving my fourth stripe back on August 25 my obsession with earning my blue belt has increased immensely. And I had thought that it was at peak levels before, boy was I wrong! I love Jiu-Jitsu so much and want so badly to perform well! I know I have to keep walking through that door and have faith that every time I train I am improving, even if I cannot see it, it is there.
I have been hitting the beginners gi class on Tuesday nights and since June 20th I have moved on to taking the advanced no gi class on Saturday afternoons every week. The difference in gi and no gi is very clear and a big adjustment for sure. Add to that facing the upper belts and doing feet on the floor matches and conga lines and the intensity is huge. Everyone is great though and extremely helpful. I am very lucky to train with such great teammates who want nothing but to help everyone get better. Everyone is so selfless and wants to help everyone else out. Such a fantastic environment to train in! Not to mention the unbelievable instructors we have!
This past Tuesday after my regular beginners gi class I was asked by Del, one of our instructors, if I would be able to stay for the competition class to help Nikole, one of our blue belts, to get ready for an upcoming competition. Del, warned me that the class was "not fun." Of course I jumped at the chance to work with someone as experienced as Nikole! She was awesome to work with and I really enjoyed the class. Man, two classes back to back, especially one as intense as the competition class was a hell of a work out!
Again I must apologize as it has been quite some time since my last post. I am however making a renewed commitment to posting something on here every day. Even if it is just a few sentences, I need to write every day. I feel that it will improve my state of mind and to help me achieve some clarity.
I have also decided that I should start carrying my digital camera with me every where I go. The thing is so small and light it's ridiculous not to have it with me. Especially when I live and work where I do, there are so many things that catch my eye and make me stop and think on a daily basis. I am no photographer, not by a long shot, but I would love to just give it a run of taking photos of the things that catch my eye. Besides, I have a huge memory card in the thing and it takes what, 2 seconds to delete a shot I don't like?
I have Muay Thai tonight for the first time in a few weeks. I missed class on 10/1 as my old shoulder injury was acting up and I wanted to rest my arm so that it would be good to go for Jiu-Jitsu on that Saturday. I missed class on 10/8 as we were leaving for Salem, Mass the next day and I had to pick up Lyric, pack, and settle some last minute details. And then I missed class last week on 10/15 as Erin and I had tickets to the Dead Man's Bones show. I am a little nervous as the Muay Thai class is very intense. I am also pretty damn sore in my hips for some reason the past two days. Glucosamine don't fail me now! Of course this has not stopped me from my daily cardio routines!
Speaking of the Dead Man's Bones show, what an awesome show! It was the best time I have had at a show in a long time! They played so well and were having such a good time up there! Those fellas really make me want to find time to pick up the guitar again and write some damn music! I love their album too, if you have not picked it up yet, I definitely recommend it!
Well, I think that I have prattled on for long enough today! I will be back tomorrow with more of my incessant rambling!
Currently Reading:
A Mad Dash (Limited Edition, signed by the author) by Henry Rollins
Currently dominating my iPod:
Dead Man’s Bones – Dead Man’s Bones
Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs – It’s Blitz!
M83 – Saturdays = Youth
Ladyhawke – Ladyhawke
Silversun Pickups - Swoon
Wednesday, June 24, 2009
Long time, no blog
I know it has been an extremely long time since I have written anything. And it isn’t that I haven’t had anything to discuss, plenty of things going on right now for sure. Erin and I spent a week in Ireland in May and had a fantastic time. I earned my third stripe in Jiu-Jitsu and took my first advanced/no gi class. I have been motoring right along in Muay Thai class. And there was the sudden passing of the Japanese legend Misawa on January 13 and my attendance at ROH’s Manhattan Mayhem III on the same day. The release of several new albums I was anticipating: Crossing the Rubicon by the Sounds, Battle for the Sun by Placebo, and Back and Forth by Pete Yorn. I also had to endure my first Father’s Day without my beloved Father. So, yes, there has been plenty to talk about.
I have contemplated starting one of these quite a few times since we returned home from Ireland and yet I haven’t written a thing. I think there are several reasons for this. The first being that I have just been extremely busy, I am training three times a week: Tuesday night is beginners Jiu-Jitsu, Thursday night is Muay Thai, and Saturday afternoon is advanced/no gi Jiu-Jitsu. I also get up at 5 AM every morning to get in some cardio before work with additional exercises on the days I’m not training. Factor into that a full time job, a daily commute that takes 90 minutes each way, a lovely wife, and a fantastic daughter and you can see that my “free time” is pretty limited.
Another reason is that I really wanted to make this blog completely uncensored. Yet I am realizing that this is a complete impossibility. Anyone can Google anyone nowadays and along with that comes the ability to check up on activities such as blogging. I don’t believe in hiding or that there is any strength in blogging anonymously. Anyway can be brave behind a mask and without consequences, I like to stand behind what I say so that’s not an option for me. However, I do have a family to take care of, and they come before my freedom to mouth off across the internet.
Anyway, on with the blogging and this one is going to be a corker! As one of my Father’s Day gifts I received A Dull Roar: What I Did on My Summer Deracination 2006 by Henry Rollins. I was extremely excited to receive this as I am a HUGE fan of gold old Hank and own and have read and re-read all of his books (well, except for Roomanitarian which I own, started reading, and for whatever reason, didn’t get around to finishing, but I will once I finish this one, though I will have to rescue it from its cardboard tomb in the attic.)
As is always the case with missives from Hank, I totally and completely love the shit out of this book. This book is a collection of journal entries from back in 2006 and I absolutely love how after every entry he catalogs what he ate that day as well as his work outs. Somewhere along the line old Hank became a quasi vegetarian (he still eats fish, eggs, and dairy) which totally surprised me as I remembered earlier books where he mentioned his cupboards only containing beef chili and him making fun of vegetarians as recently as his spoken word CD Think Tank which came out back in 1998. Hank is also apparently a big fan of carrot juice, cream cheese bagels, sesame bars, and ice bars. This is a great read and Henry’s dedication to his work is simply staggering. I am happy to report that I am as big a fan of his as ever. I am definitely going to need to upload all my Rollins spoken word CDs onto my iTunes so that I can throw them onto the old iPod. And I would love to get Talk Is Cheap Vols. 1-4. I am also really looking forward to his next book, A Preferred Blur: Reflections, Inspections, and Travel in All Directions which will be released on August 1, 2009.
Moving on! I have quickly come to realize that I have become much more comfortable being alone than I was in years passed. I went back and read a lot of old journal entries and they reminded me, not that I needed much reminding, how much I used to hate being alone. I seemingly never, ever wanted to be left to my own devices. I know that a great deal of that had to do with my self esteem issues and my crippling need and desire for everyone I met to like me. Nowadays I have no problems at all with time to myself. And I have plenty to do with that time when I have it. Be it reading, catching up with DVD watching or the occasional quality time with my PS3!
I know that in the past, not here, but other place I have addressed the “who shit in your cereal” issue before but it could definitely use another go around. Look, I’m not the type of dude who walks around with a huge goofy smile on his face all the time; it’s just not my natural expression. However, I also don’t walk around looking like someone raped my dog with a red hot poker. There are several people I see in my daily travels who constantly wear the “someone took a big dump in my cornflakes mask” and it’s fucking ridiculous. This one woman, I see her at least 2 or 3 times a week, always looks at me like I punched her wheel chair bound great-grandmother in the face or something. I don’t even know this woman! And yet I often find her staring at me with that look upon her face, I just want to close my book, pull out my ear phones, walk over to her, and say “may I help you?” People need to just chill the fuck out and get over themselves.
I had an interesting conversation with some of the upper belts after no gi class on Saturday. We were all talking about how grateful we were to train where we did and to have the instructors and training partners that we had. One of the guys mentioned despite the fact that we were located on Long Island, not one “typical Long Island douchebag” could be found among us. Now, if you don’t know what he was referring to, I suggest you check out either Roosevelt Field or the Source Mall and cruise around for a bit. You know the guy, polo shirt, blow out hair cut, sunglasses that your girlfriend should be wearing. He surmised that this was due to the fact that these were the type of guys who would rather talk about fighting, than do it. I bunch of us also joked that you should have had to either been tapped out or tapped someone out at least a few times before you could wear a TapouT t-shirt. I suggested that perhaps a screening at check out followed by a quick lesson in Jiu-Jitsu prior to purchase would be a fun idea! I kiid I kiid!
Monster then let us know that a majority of the guys he has come across who train in MMA really are not looking to be true Martial Artists and can be complete assholes. However at our academy, people are looking to learn the Martial Arts and are friendly, helpful, and respectful. I cannot stress enough how luck I am to train with such a great group of individuals.
Alright, I think I have rambled on long enough for one installment. I hope that you enjoyed reading and I will try not to go so long in between entries. Take care and keep your head up.
I have contemplated starting one of these quite a few times since we returned home from Ireland and yet I haven’t written a thing. I think there are several reasons for this. The first being that I have just been extremely busy, I am training three times a week: Tuesday night is beginners Jiu-Jitsu, Thursday night is Muay Thai, and Saturday afternoon is advanced/no gi Jiu-Jitsu. I also get up at 5 AM every morning to get in some cardio before work with additional exercises on the days I’m not training. Factor into that a full time job, a daily commute that takes 90 minutes each way, a lovely wife, and a fantastic daughter and you can see that my “free time” is pretty limited.
Another reason is that I really wanted to make this blog completely uncensored. Yet I am realizing that this is a complete impossibility. Anyone can Google anyone nowadays and along with that comes the ability to check up on activities such as blogging. I don’t believe in hiding or that there is any strength in blogging anonymously. Anyway can be brave behind a mask and without consequences, I like to stand behind what I say so that’s not an option for me. However, I do have a family to take care of, and they come before my freedom to mouth off across the internet.
Anyway, on with the blogging and this one is going to be a corker! As one of my Father’s Day gifts I received A Dull Roar: What I Did on My Summer Deracination 2006 by Henry Rollins. I was extremely excited to receive this as I am a HUGE fan of gold old Hank and own and have read and re-read all of his books (well, except for Roomanitarian which I own, started reading, and for whatever reason, didn’t get around to finishing, but I will once I finish this one, though I will have to rescue it from its cardboard tomb in the attic.)
As is always the case with missives from Hank, I totally and completely love the shit out of this book. This book is a collection of journal entries from back in 2006 and I absolutely love how after every entry he catalogs what he ate that day as well as his work outs. Somewhere along the line old Hank became a quasi vegetarian (he still eats fish, eggs, and dairy) which totally surprised me as I remembered earlier books where he mentioned his cupboards only containing beef chili and him making fun of vegetarians as recently as his spoken word CD Think Tank which came out back in 1998. Hank is also apparently a big fan of carrot juice, cream cheese bagels, sesame bars, and ice bars. This is a great read and Henry’s dedication to his work is simply staggering. I am happy to report that I am as big a fan of his as ever. I am definitely going to need to upload all my Rollins spoken word CDs onto my iTunes so that I can throw them onto the old iPod. And I would love to get Talk Is Cheap Vols. 1-4. I am also really looking forward to his next book, A Preferred Blur: Reflections, Inspections, and Travel in All Directions which will be released on August 1, 2009.
Moving on! I have quickly come to realize that I have become much more comfortable being alone than I was in years passed. I went back and read a lot of old journal entries and they reminded me, not that I needed much reminding, how much I used to hate being alone. I seemingly never, ever wanted to be left to my own devices. I know that a great deal of that had to do with my self esteem issues and my crippling need and desire for everyone I met to like me. Nowadays I have no problems at all with time to myself. And I have plenty to do with that time when I have it. Be it reading, catching up with DVD watching or the occasional quality time with my PS3!
I know that in the past, not here, but other place I have addressed the “who shit in your cereal” issue before but it could definitely use another go around. Look, I’m not the type of dude who walks around with a huge goofy smile on his face all the time; it’s just not my natural expression. However, I also don’t walk around looking like someone raped my dog with a red hot poker. There are several people I see in my daily travels who constantly wear the “someone took a big dump in my cornflakes mask” and it’s fucking ridiculous. This one woman, I see her at least 2 or 3 times a week, always looks at me like I punched her wheel chair bound great-grandmother in the face or something. I don’t even know this woman! And yet I often find her staring at me with that look upon her face, I just want to close my book, pull out my ear phones, walk over to her, and say “may I help you?” People need to just chill the fuck out and get over themselves.
I had an interesting conversation with some of the upper belts after no gi class on Saturday. We were all talking about how grateful we were to train where we did and to have the instructors and training partners that we had. One of the guys mentioned despite the fact that we were located on Long Island, not one “typical Long Island douchebag” could be found among us. Now, if you don’t know what he was referring to, I suggest you check out either Roosevelt Field or the Source Mall and cruise around for a bit. You know the guy, polo shirt, blow out hair cut, sunglasses that your girlfriend should be wearing. He surmised that this was due to the fact that these were the type of guys who would rather talk about fighting, than do it. I bunch of us also joked that you should have had to either been tapped out or tapped someone out at least a few times before you could wear a TapouT t-shirt. I suggested that perhaps a screening at check out followed by a quick lesson in Jiu-Jitsu prior to purchase would be a fun idea! I kiid I kiid!
Monster then let us know that a majority of the guys he has come across who train in MMA really are not looking to be true Martial Artists and can be complete assholes. However at our academy, people are looking to learn the Martial Arts and are friendly, helpful, and respectful. I cannot stress enough how luck I am to train with such a great group of individuals.
Alright, I think I have rambled on long enough for one installment. I hope that you enjoyed reading and I will try not to go so long in between entries. Take care and keep your head up.
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