Last night at the comic shop

Last night at my local comic shop, Best Comics International in New Hyde Park, NY, a young man walked over to me as I was looking over my pull (for those that don't read comics, your pull is the comics that that you have your local shop put aside for you, that way you're guaranteed to get a copy vs. taking your chances an issue hasn't sold out) & said, excuse me, I really like the Batman logo on the back of your car. I smiled, said thanks man, I appreciate that, and went back to looking over my pull.

He later joined in on my conversation with Tommy, the store owner, on the previous night's episode of The Flash and was smiling ear to ear, eager to contribute. As Tommy was ringing me up I asked if there were any different covers to Chrononauts and the kid said he saw some on the rack and offered to show me, I joked to Tommy that the kid might be making him some more money. I saw that the only covers left on the rack were the same as the one I had in my hands, but that the kid had a bunch of different ones.

The kid then asked if I had intended on getting the different covers and he was holding his books out, as if he was about to offer them to me, and I just smiled and said, hey man, you got to them first, they're yours, have a good one buddy. I said my goodbyes to Tommy and was on my way.

It wasn't until this morning that I realized that I was that kid, back in the late 80s, buying comics at the Bookworms booth in the Metro Marketplace on Union Turnpike chatting up the owner, a nice guy named Hal who was always super cool to me and who helped my folks out & spoke fondly of me when they came in looking for ideas for Christmas or birthday presents.

And I wondered, was this kid having a hard time fitting in? Was he feeling alone or uncool? If he is or was, I wish I could tell him, what I've told my own daughter at times. Dig what you dig, don't ever pretend to like or not to like something to fit in. The people who are into what you're into, will eventually find you or you'll find them. Don't change to fit someone else's preconceived idea of cool. I hope that polite, nice, friendly kid has a ton of friends and that he enjoys his comics, as much as I enjoy mine.

Thirty-Seven

Thirty-Seven
I am now thirty-seven years old; I achieved this incredibly uninteresting milestone on Sunday. For some reason, turning thirty-seven has given me great pause. Turning thirty really didn’t bother me, it just felt weird saying it, the way it felt coming out of my mouth, just a different feeling than twenty-something. Turning thirty-five was a little different as it meant moving out of that coveted eighteen to thirty-four demographic. However, for some reason, turning thirty-seven seemed to really stick in my craw.

I don’t think it’s so much that I feel “old” as it is that I feel “older,” if that makes any sense. I think what keeps me from feeling old is that I don’t have interests that associate with being old, whether that’s true or not in reality, is of course up for debate. I love comic books and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and music and standup comedy and preparing and eating food. My non-work wardrobe is made up of jeans, cargo shorts, hoodies, & t-shirts. Most of my t-shirts either reference BJJ, comics, or bands. This is not in an effort to cling to my youth, this is what I like & what I am comfortable in.

What I have found harder to hold on to or to attain as I have gotten older is physical fitness. When I started training in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu almost five years ago I was overweight and out of shape. Through changes in diet a ton of cardio and as much BJJ I could fit in I shed roughly forty pounds. I have noticed in recent months that I was starting to gain a bit of weight, not a ton, but enough for me to take my most slim fitting or clingy material comprised t-shirts temporarily out of rotation. My biggest roadblock has always been my love of food. I really do love to eat and most of what I love to eat is not very good for you. I try to restrict what I eat during the day during the week, but a lot of times my habits go to hell in a hand basket on the weekends.

In an effort to combat this I have added a three times weekly “core shredding workout” provided by a friend who is a personal trainer and attending a Bikram Yoga class once a week to my work out schedule. I have also started drinking roughly 160 ounces of water a day to combat any water retention. I am also trying to grill as much as possible and to limit eating out and desserts. I am hoping the end result will be a flatter stomach, stronger core, stronger lower back, and increased flexibility. I’m only in my second week of this new program, so time will tell.

The other thing that has started to eat away at me is the question of; what am I going to do with the rest of my life. In all sense of the term, I think it is very safe to say that I have entered what is known as “middle age.” How is my life going to go from here, what do I want to do with the time that I have left? Where do I want to go, what do I want to see and do? Am I doing the most to ensure that the second half will be better than the first? There are so many places I want to see and so many things I have yet to experience. I certainly didn’t think I would be where I am at this point in my life when I was; say my fourteen year old daughter’s age. In some ways I have seen and experienced so much more than I thought that I would, in others, I’m quite disappointed in myself, if I’m honest.

So many unanswered and unanswerable questions dog me regarding what comes next, so much so that it has almost paralyzed me when I try to wrap my head around it all. This is of course the entirely worst possible thing, to be so frozen that one does nothing. I am trying to keep what I have attempted to make my motto since my Father’s passing stay front and center in my mind; be better. Every year my New Year’s Resolution is the same; be better, be a better husband, father, son, friend, martial artist, PERSON. At the end of every year I always feel that I have failed in this quest. That maybe I have moved the needle the slightest bit, but how woefully inadequate of change that is. Every year I say the same; Be Better Tour (insert year here,) train keeps a rollin’, tougher than a coffin nail. And in my heart of hearts I believe this, I believe that I will be better and do better and grow. It just doesn’t seem to work out that way. I know the blame for this falls squarely on my shoulders. I know that I am the sole reason that I am so disappointed in myself.

So here I am, thirty-seven, with so much more to see and do, with half a life left to go. So now what, what comes next? I just don’t know yet. And that, that is what is making thirty-seven so different, so difficult, that I just don’t know what should or will come next.

Becoming a Man, what it means to be a Father

With Father’s Day rapidly approaching I’ve been thinking a lot regarding what it really means to be a Father and when you really become a man. I don't think I really became a man until my Dad died which is sad and stupid and fucked up, but that’s the way it is, if I’m being honest, which I’m trying to be.

One of my favorite examples to give, when people ask what being a Father means, or of how my Dad was is the time I moved to New Jersey. I was 18 years old and dating a woman who was 22 and I was totally and completely infatuated with her. She had already graduated college and I was halfway through my first year and not doing a very good job of it. I was too involved with going to goth clubs with my friends and exploring the NYC goth scene to do things like go to class and write papers.

I dropped out of school because it was interfering with spending time with her and with my working shit menial jobs to make money to move in with her. She eventually got kicked out of her place up in Port Chester and moved back in with her mother in South Jersey. I would work all week at Costco, then take the LIRR into Penn, walk to Port Authority and take the two hour bus trip down to Cherry Hill every Friday, spend the rest of Friday and all of Saturday with her and be back in NY in time to work the closing shift on Sunday. It totally fucking sucked.

We started looking for places together and everywhere in North Jersey or NY was too expensive. All the way my Father kept trying to talk me out of moving in with her and into going back to college. I wouldn’t listen and we argued often. We eventually found a place in South Jersey and were committed to moving in together. Despite their misgivings, my parents helped me pack, rented a minivan, and drove me down there. Once down there they took us to Bed, Bath, & Beyond and bought some things for us. We said our goodbyes and they were off.

While I was there, my Dad would send me care packages; video tapes of Giants games (when they won), and news clippings pertaining to the Giants, and any news clippings pertaining to the Islanders. He would call me often, not to hound me, but to keep in touch. When things started going bad he tried to council me.

Finally, it was at a point when things were not going to get better and he said “Christopher, just come home, I’ll take the for sale sign of your car, all you have to do is go to school. Just come home.” When I finally agreed, he again rented a minivan, drove down to South Jersey, helped me pack, and took me home.

Being a parent is trying to prevent your children from making mistakes, realizing when you can’t stop them, and being there to help them stand up, and dust themselves off when they do. He never rubbed it in my face, he never hit me with an “I told you so,” he just told me how proud he was of me for realizing my mistake and coming home.  And how happy he was I was home and how much he loved me. He even repainted my room and had my Mom get me new curtains and bedding.

I would make a lot more mistakes and he would do a lot more helping me up and dusting me off. He was the BEST, end of story and I'll never measure up, and I'm cool with that. But he loved me so much; he never gave up on me. He was the only one, other than Erin, who never gave up. And it took him dying, for me to really fully become the man he saw in me. What I’m not cool with is him being gone and I’m not OK with him not getting to see the man I’ve become. I love you Dad, with all my heart, always and forever.

Obsessed with Inside the Actors Studio, so I felt I had to…

OK, I’ve been meaning to write about what it means to me to be a good parent, and about one of my favorite instances where my Father was there for me and how I think it’s a great example. However, I’m just not up to it, with Father’s Day fast approaching, consistent thoughts about my Dad drive me to near tears, and I’m just not up to that at the moment.

But I digress…one of the epic presents my beloved wife got me for Christmas was a TiVo DVR. I know, welcome to 21^st Century. We had been delaying the whole DVR thing due to not wanting to give the shitty bastards at Time Warner NYC more of our money. Our good friends Mel & Steve had been lauding TiVo for years and my wife decided to surprise me.

Now my TiVo is currently dominated by all things UFC & episodes of Inside the Actors Studio, aside from the programs that we enjoy on a weekly basis and get watched pretty much a day or so after they air. If you’re a fan of the show, it stands to reason that you, yourself have thought about how you would answer, Mr. Lipton’s show ending questionnaire whose concept was originated by French television personality Bernard Pivot on his show Apostrophes, after the Proust Questionnaire.

So, in keeping with the spirit of the show and fun here are the ten questions he asks along with my replies:

1. What is your favorite word? love
2. What is your least favorite word? faggot
3. What turns you on? Lively discourse
4. What turns you off? Stupidity
5. What sound or noise do you love? When my husky “talks”
6. What sound or noise do you hate? My daughter crying
7. What is your favorite curse word? CUNT
8. What profession other than your own would you like to attempt? Therapist
9. What profession would you not like to do? Mathematician
10. If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?
    Your Father is right over there.

I would love to hear everyone else’s answers, fire away in the comments section or hip me up with an email!

May I also note how sad I was when I found out that Inside Inside by the wonderful James Lipton is out of print!

Episodes of ItAS currently oin my TiVo: 14

Keeping It Real (Trying To Anyway)

I have been trying very hard to go very hard at anything not work related, to keep my head in the game. Reading whenever I can (not just comics, I swear), working out every day, grilling as often as I can, training BJJ at least twice a week (wishing my work schedule would allow for more), trying to write more, listening to as much music as I can, going to five shows in the next four months (Alkaline Trio, The National, Half Moon Run, Depeche Mode 2x). I haven’t taken the bike out yet but I am definitely getting the itch to hit it. I want to bake more, but that would mean eating the stuff which would be counterproductive!

I’m trying not to lose myself. I feel like that has been the big fear with me ever since I started working “real jobs” in other words jobs outside of retail. I feel like when I was young, early to mid-twenties and working in retail, it didn’t matter; the fear wasn’t there because I knew I wouldn’t be doing that bullshit for the rest of my life. I had so much other stuff going on, I was just SO creative that SOMETHING was going to hit. Either the writing in one form or another, the music in on genre or another, the acting, or I was going to cling desperately to one of my many talented friends coattails as they gleefully dragged me along for the ride.

Surprise, none of that happened. And you get to a point where you just have to move on with your life, you just have to do what you have to do to pay the bills and live the kind of existence you want to live. To not struggle to pay your rent or mortgage and to not worry if you can afford to buy new clothes for your daughter once she outgrows the ones she has or the seasons change.

So that’s what I did, I started working in office jobs with an unfortunately brief detour into the culinary/small business owner’s world, and then back into an office. And this where you really start to get that fear that you are your job, you don’t want to be, you certainly don’t identify that way, but it’s often the first thing someone will ask. So, what do you do? As if this was the most important part of one’s life?

Yes, being an Office Manager for at an IT firm is what I do to make money. This, however, is the last thing I would use to describe myself. Hell, look at my brief twitter bio: “Husband, father, BJJ Blue Belt, Pastry Chef, Straight Edge, food/music/film/comic book/stand-up junkie.” It doesn’t even make the damn cut. And if I extended it, it still wouldn’t; son, brother, uncle, nephew, friend, & writer would all make the list of descriptors first.

Yet I still have that fear that drives me so hard, that uneasiness that I am losing parts of myself that I am conforming that I am letting go or giving up. Not me, no fucking way, not this devout follower of the Church of Rollins. I have no interest in either burning out or fading away. I do what I do to take care of my responsibilities, but that which I do to earn a living will not & cannot define me; I won’t allow it.

Be Better Tour 2013, Train Keeps Rollin’, Tougher Than a Coffin Nail

Familiar Strangers

Like a lot of people I commute to work every day via mass transit. I go to the same train station every morning and I take the same train to work every day. As I take the Long Island Railroad or LIRR as it is abbreviated, I depart at the same time every day, with mostly the same people.

I see these same folks every day and they see me, yet I’ve never spoken to any of them, well not spoken anything of any real value anyway. Usually just excuse me, or no, you go ahead. This is my preference, I always have my ear buds in and in cooler or wet weather the hood on my hooded sweatshirt will be up until I am seated. Upon sitting, I open my messenger bag, pull out whatever I am currently reading and immerse myself in my book. This is my quiet before the storm, my sacred solitude.

However, this doesn’t stop me from wondering what these familiar strangers are like. The two girls, who arrive to together, dress almost identically and carry their way too big purses in the bend of their arms, while wearing their ridiculously huge sunglasses, and yet they never sit together.

The young man who shows up slightly flustered, suit jacket over his arm, tie not even around his neck, let alone tied, belt in his other hand! Dude, take a few extra minutes and actually finish getting dressed before you leave the house.

The young girl who is either goth, punk, or really depressed. Always in black leggings, a black top of some sort, and her Converse sneakers. Pale, black hair buzzed in the back, always looking dour. If Erin and I had a daughter, I imagine she would probably look like this girl.

When I get on the train I almost always end up sitting either right across or diagonally across from the woman with the big blue headphones, always drinking her coffee through her straw and peering at her iPhone. Usually with a furrowed brow as if she’s studying or concentrating very hard on something.

Sometimes I wonder what these people are like, what their jobs are, what music they are listening to, who they are texting so furiously, or what show or movie they are watching on their iPad or what they are reading on their e-reader.

I suppose all this is human nature, just as I suppose that they might wonder all of these things about me. Wow, it was loud when that guy cracked his neck, what is he listening to, what is he reading, what does “BJJ” stand for, why is he limping today?

Is it strange that I’ve never attempted to start a conversation and neither have they? Is it a consequence of being New Yorkers, would it be different if we lived elsewhere? Is it disinterest, distrust, laziness? What is it that keeps these familiar faces that I see more often than some of my closest friends and family strangers? Whatever it is, I’m sure that it will continue.

Having an incredible memory, a blessing or a curse?

My friends and family will often remark on my incredible powers of recall. I have a very, very good long term memory, especially when it concerns social situations. Without much effort I am usually able to recall minute details from as far back as my childhood. And I remember nonsensical things like what I wore on first dates in high school that never even resulted in second dates. My mind is filled with useless recollections of specific episodes of 80s sitcoms.

Oscar Hammling uttered one of my dear friend Chris Gavagan’s favorite quotes, “Often the greatest enemy of present happiness is past happiness too well remembered.” Chris repeated this quote to me often over many a cup of coffee at the infamous El Greco Diner in Brooklyn. It related both to a wonderful script he had written as well as both of our lives. I have often focused on this quote and on the veracity of it.

If you are truly happy in the present, can remembering how happy you were in the past really be enough to derail that happiness? Well, let’s examine this shall we? I am certainly willing to accept the fact that one’s memory is indeed subjective. And that how you remember something, doesn’t necessarily mean that it’s the truth of the matter. I could wholly and completely believe that I wasn’t happier than I had ever been at one point in time, but in truth, maybe there were events surrounding said point in time, that were causing me extreme anxiety? Maybe that MOMENT was wonderful, but the surrounding moments were horrible.

Now, if a person is happy, in the moment & place they are currently in, why would a memory of another time in which they are happy, ruin that? Well, perhaps it’s because you’ll think “I’m having a great time right now, I’m so happy, life is good!” And then you’ll think, “Well, it’s not as good as…” and this is what leads to problems, the comparisons.

These comparisons are often not anywhere near the realm of being fair due to the previously stated subjective nature of one’s memory. The odds are already slanted in favor of past happiness, due to the fact that you are subjectively remembering them. Then you work into the equation that you are older than the time you are remembering and in most cases ones responsibilities, stresses, and obligations increase with age. Another point for past happiness!

So here you are, concentrating on how good things were back then which in turn leads you to think of how much better than they are at the present moment. This can run you down into thinking that if things were so good then, that means they aren’t all that great now, and this totally kills your buzz on your present happiness. And BOOM there we have it, present happiness crushed by the oppressive heel of past happiness.

I have to admit, I have fallen victim to this many, many times. It has ruined many relationships and other opportunities for me in my lifetime. However, all things considered, I wouldn’t trade my memory for anything.

My Father has been gone for over 4 ½ years now, and I have many amazing memories of him. There are little moments between just the two of us as well as the big moments surrounded by others. Do my past memories of times spent with him make new memories of life events and achievements without him pale in comparison? Sometimes, sometimes it does, and I always wish he could be a part of them. I have learned, however, that I have to live in the moment and be thankful for the happiness I have & grateful for the good times I will experience in the future and not shackle myself to my past.

Too Much Is Never Enough?

I have a lot of interests, which in my case, are actually more like passions, as I pursue them so vehemently. My wife would probably tell you that I have too many interests and that my interests take up entirely too much room in our house. On that last account, she certainly would have a point.

One of my first loves growing up was reading and books are still a big passion of mine. And when I say books, I mean actual books, not files downloaded onto a reading device. I like to hold them in my hand, turn the pages, smell the paper, and I like the way that they look on a shelf. There is a certain feeling of accomplishment when one gets to the end of a book, turns that last page and snaps that cover shut.

However, my bookcase is almost full to bursting, so full that I have a stack of books on the desk in our guest room and another on my night table. So I am realizing that I may yet have to relent at some point in the very near future, and move on to an e-reader of some kind. There is also cost to consider, as the electronic versions of books are at times half the price of the physical version.

Alas, there will ALWAYS be an exception to that for sure, and that is comic books whether they are single issues, trade paperback or hard cover collections, and graphic novels. First off, the price is the same for a physical copy and a digital copy of a new single issue, that’s no bueno. Second off, when it comes to something like art work, you really need to look at it as it was meant to be looked at, on the page. There is no substitute for seeing things the way the artist intended you to see them, which is in ink & paper form. This presents a big problem as I have a big shelf on my bookshelf full of trades as well as the aforementioned piles. This is along with the box of old issues in my attic and the two nearly full long boxes in my bedroom closet. And there are always trades of stories that I missed that I wish to acquire.

The next big obsession in my life is music, I spent years working at Tower Records and Virgin Megastore and making good use of my discounts, both legitimate and of the five fingered variety. I own well over a thousand physical CDs, and they occupy a large wooden spinner in my guest bedroom. Music was an area in which I relented early on, but not for the same reason as I see my imminent caving in on the book front. The iPod presented me with the opportunity to carry around more music than I ever thought possible right in my pants pocket! I could listen to almost anything, anywhere! And for me, the accessibility just could not be beaten. Despite missing the booklets and holding the CD in my hand, I bowed willingly to the mighty iTunes!

While music no longer poses a threat of the spatial variety it is still a threat on the financial front. There are just so many good bands out there if you take the time and make the effort to seek them out. Then when you find them, if you really dig them, you’re not just going to want their current album are you, not if you’re like me, you’re going to want all their albums! It’s almost to the point where I curse audibly upon getting into a new band. It’s hard enough to keep up with releases of bands I have loved for years like Depeche Mode and Alkaline Trio. This is to say nothing of the ridiculous cost of concert tickets with all their surcharges and handling fees! What are you handling? I’m printing the damn things out myself with my own ink and paper! And yet I’ll be attending five concerts in the next 4 months.

Food is another passion of mine, I love to eat it and I love to prepare it. I have a shelf full of cookbooks and I have several binders full of recipes of the familial variety as well as ones printed off the internet. I also have my four binders from culinary school. (I know, back to the overflowing bookcase again!) I love to go to new restaurants of all different varieties from all over the spectrum in cuisine as well as cost. My to-do list on foursquare has 535 places on it! I am fully aware that this is absolutely ridiculous. This fact does not stop me from continuously adding places to said list. However it does drive my wife crazy as I tend to get pissy about going to restaurants multiple times as I would usually rather try new places.

One of my biggest passions is Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu and I don’t just love to train in the art, I love to study it & live it. I was told by Sensei Matt Serra back when I started that BJJ isn’t just an art, it’s a lifestyle, and man was he right! I have many, many books on the subject (BOOKCASE!), DVDs, T-shirts, hoodies, and grappling mats in my garage. This flows into my love of the UFC and the tons of DVDs/Blu-Rays of theirs I own and the amount of their programming that is monopolizing my TiVo. Not even considering the amount of money I have spent ordering their PPVs!

And I haven’t even discussed my love of film or stand-up! Though to be fair my wife has pretty successfully weaned me from owning films and stand-up performances to just watching them via Netflix. And I do download a lot of stand-up albums onto my iPod.

OK, so if you’ve made it this far, I am sure you’re wondering where the hell I am going with this, aside from prattling on and on about my interests and how much space and money they’ve cost me. The point is, I’m still not satisfied or “done” collecting. There are 120 books on my Amazon Wish List, there are always new bands & comedians to discover and old favorites keep dropping albums, as previously mentioned there are 535 places on my foursquare to-do list, prominent BJJ instructors including my own will keep releasing books and DVDs, and the UFC will keep putting on events.

This is where my head begins to spin, why do I have such an insatiable need for content? I finish a book and I immediately want to start another one. Before I am even finished reading my weekly new comics I am looking to see what releases are coming out the next Wednesday. I already read too many monthly titles and consistently get swept up in new ones! I am constantly adding things to my Amazon list despite it being way too long and ridiculous as it is! I read Rolling Stone and SPIN to stay current in music & I am always on the lookout for concert updates! I repeatedly search cooking web sites for recipes and lifestyle sites for dining suggestions. I just bought a new BJJ t-shirt the other day and look forward to every UFC event notification. Why am I so…obsessed? And is it a bad thing to be so?

I just cannot get enough of these passions of mine and yet I have to tell you, and I am telling you true, all of these things pale in comparison to my love for my girls. My Mrs. and my 14 year old daughter, now can you even imagine how much I love them? Nope, I didn’t think so. Until next time, thanks for stopping by.

Return of the BLOG (Where I’ve been, what I’m up to, & what to expect here)

I know, I know, I’m horrible. My last post on here was April 7, 2010, which is now over three years ago. So many things have happened since my last post that I almost do not know where to begin, for anyone who happens across this blog and is not an immediate acquaintance of mine. Which I also know is highly unlikely. Why the hell would anyone who does not know me or at least know of me be reading this blog? Well, I suppose, just in case, I should just do a quick catching up, a la Depeche Mode in 1985.

The first significant thing was that I left the hospital I had worked at in August of 2010. The second significant event was that on August 21, 2010 at the 2nd Annual Team Serra BBQ, I was promoted to the level of Blue Belt in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu by Senseis Matt & Nick Serra. It was an amazing experience and one of the proudest moments of my life. I am so glad that both my wife & daughter were there to experience it with me.

Soon after, I decided that I was going to pursue one of my great passions in life, baking. I enrolled in the Institute of Culinary Education’s Pastry & Baking Arts program. I learned from some incredibly amazing chefs that I will forever be indebted to: Jeff Yoskowitz, Sim Cass, Scott McMillen, and Chad Pagano. I worked very hard, studied a lot and graduated with high honors.

I interned at a cupcake shop and then worked there for a while and the amount of pay and the number of hours I was getting were just not where I needed them to be to help my wife support our family. We decided to start Put It In Your Face (https://www.facebook.com/PutItInYourFace) an internet based bakery. Things were going well during the holidays and dropped off pretty hard in the summer and we just weren’t pulling in enough consistent clientele and didn’t have the start up for a store front or food truck. Either of which would have greatly benefited our product.

In the summer of 2012 I realized that the business was, unfortunately, going to have to become a side project and that I would have to find full time employment elsewhere. I worked as a merchandiser for Kellogg’s for about five months, stocking supermarket shelves with cookies, crackers, and granola bars. Setting up and breaking down displays and my back (figuratively) in the process.

Then in December of this year, with the help of a good friend’s wife, I was able to land a job as an office manager in Chelsea. And here I am, five months later, writing this blog. I know, not exactly in the culinary or entertainment field. Well, about that, here’s the thing; I have a wife, a daughter, two dogs, a mortgage, and two cars. I think it’s safe to assume you can see where I am getting at with this.

However, I am still training in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu (not as often as I would like but I still average twice a week,) I still have Put It In Your Face, I’m still dragging my wife all over to check out places to eat, and here I am, writing. And I am going to endeavor to do a lot more writing from now on. As well as what you will find here, I am an occasional contributor over at www.burgerweekly.com (you can find past pieces from here: http://www.burgerweekly.com/tag/christopher ) and whenever they post me there I will link to it on here.

I’m going to have to backtrack a bit here because another thing that I definitely need to mention is that back in the late 80s I was really into comic books, mostly Batman. Once I started High School, I got away from collecting and all my comics and graphic novels sat in a box in the crawl space of my parent house and then my attic. Well, DC Comics decided that on August 31, 2011 they would restart all their series over to issue #1 with many titles having a completely revamped continuity. My good friend Chris Brady decided that it would be an excellent time to jump back into comics. At first I laughed, asked him if he was kidding and then was gently persuaded to pick up Justice League #1. And that’s all it took, I read more titles now than I ever did as a kid. I follow quite a few titles on a monthly basis and through trade paper backs have caught up on quite a few awesome tales that I missed while I was away.

I love comics and I really need to thank Chris for getting me back into them and I also really need to thank Zach and Tommy of the most awesome local comic shop there is, Best Comics International in New Hyde Park, NY. They have been nothing but cool to me since I first walked through their door, welcoming me with open arms, making suggestions, but not pushing anything on me, and answering any questions I might have. What an awesome crew over there! I definitely urge you to check out their web site: http://www.bestcomics.com/index.html , and if you’re in the area, you need to hit their store!

OK, so I think I covered the where I’ve been and what I’m up to. I think all that’s left is to tell you what to expect here. To state the obvious, this is my blog and I’m going to write about the things that I dig: Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, baking, cooking, eating out, MMA, music, film, books, comics, stand-up comedy, television, and whatever else I happen to feel like running my mouth about. You will occasionally find short stories, poetry, memoirs, and lyrics by yours truly here.

Feel free to comment on here and you can also follow me over on twitter @huntingforjoy where I will drop a link whenever the blog is updated. I promise that I am going to do my best to blog as often as possible, about as much as possible. Thanks for reading.

Road Trippin’ To Baltimore & Easter Weekend

The Mrs. and I were really in need of much deserved break from our jobs and the house so we decided we should take a little road trip. We wanted to go far enough so that we felt like we were away yet close enough so that we wouldn’t have to get on an airplane. We decided to hit Baltimore as it met all the criteria plus Erin’s friend Lindsay had moved there a few years ago and it would give them a chance to catch up. We decided to take off Thursday and Friday from work, drive down Thursday morning and drive back on Friday afternoon. This way we would not miss any time with my daughter on the weekend.

We got up early on Friday morning, dropped the dogs off at the boarder, and were on our way to Charm City. The traffic wasn’t too bad on the way down aside from the usual snafu that comes with travelling through NJ to anywhere. We were starting to get extremely hungry but were holding out for something good when like a beacon from heavens I spotted a road sign from one of our most favorite southern franchises CRACKER BARREL (http://www.crackerbarrel.com/ )! We both had the Old Timer’s Breakfast which consists of Two Eggs (we both had scrambled) with Grits, Sawmill Gravy, Homemade Buttermilk Biscuits, Fried Apples or Hashbrown Casserole (we both had the Hashbrown Casserole which is AMAZING), and choice of Smoked Sausage Patties, Turkey Sausage Patties or Thick-Sliced Bacon (I went with the bacon and Erin had the sausage).

After filling up on a delicious breakfast we proceeded on to B-More. We made it to the hotel without issue and relaxed for a bit as we planned our next move. Erin wanted to try and walk as much as possible as we would be eating a lot on this journey. Prior to leaving a Google mapped all the places we wanted to hit with both walking and driving directions.

We decided to hit Di Pasquale's (http://www.dipasquales.com/ ) first for some “Real Deal” Italian food. When I saw the episode of Triple D that featured this place, I had to keep myself from drooling. In this little Italian Deli they make their own pasta, their own mozzarella, their sauce, and their own meats! And when Guy Fieri says something is the real deal, I believe him! Looking over the map Erin decided that a three mile walk wouldn’t be that bad and we headed off on our way. Let’s just say we realized a bit too late that a three mile walk was quite the trek! Especially when it is warm out and quite a section of the journey is uphill! Nevertheless we soldiered on and made it there in one piece!

I ordered the lasagna and Erin ordered the Arancine (rice ball) as they were the dishes featured on the show. The lasagna was absolutely amazing, the second best I have ever had and the best I have ever had at a restaurant. Yes, only second best, my Mom’s is still the best I have ever had. The reason is simple my Mom uses ground beef and ground sausage. And I love Italian sausage. For someone who isn’t into sausage, they would probably enjoy Di Pasquale’s more. Oh and the service was fantastic, the owner was very sweet! I definitely recommend the place if you are in the Baltimore area.


Erin had missed a call from Lindsay and then Lindsay missed a call from Erin but after the game of phone tag had been completed Lindsay insisted on rescuing us from a three mile walk back to the hotel. She drove us around the Baltimore area showing us some of the sites and letting us know what she and her husband have been up to. We hit up Dangerously Delicious Pies (http://www.dangerouspies.com/) which you may remember me discussing in my last blog (http://huntingforjoy.blogspot.com/2010/03/tale-of-two-pies.html). Erin and I had the Key Lime Pie while Lindsay had the Strawberry Rhubarb, they were very tasty indeed. We were a little disappointed that they didn’t have many of the pies on their menu available to try. It was kind of disheartening that they only had a few ready to go. The girl behind the counter, who was indeed very cool, told me that they would have some more pies out in a little over an hour. So we took our time eating and talking and when the additional pies came out of the oven, she gave me a holler. The three of us split a slice of the infamous Baltimore Bomb and the Chocolate Peanut Butter Chess. Erin came to the conclusion that she liked my version of the Baltimore Bomb better as I had used more cookies. I really loved the Chocolate Peanut Butter Chess but she wasn’t a fan. I definitely recommend the pies there for sure, however be prepared that they might not have the one you are looking for ready on hand. But the décor and atmosphere there is really cool.

Lindsay gave us a ride to our chosen dinner spot, Obrycki’s (http://www.obryckis.com/), which is known for their soft shell crabs. Unfortunately, there were no soft shell crabs left. We decided to stick around as we figured the rest of the menu must be good as well. The interior of the restaurant was very drab but the service was very good, the food just wasn’t anything special. We’ve eaten much better seafood on Long Island and in Boston. This place is definitely a miss for me.

After dinner we returned to our hotel and bedded down for the night. We knew that we didn’t want to get too late a start the next day and we had some awesomeness in mind for breakfast! Plus, it being Good Friday, we feared that we might be in store for less than hospitable traffic on our way back to Queens.

Our chosen spot for breakfast the next was another Triple D featured establishment, the Blue Moon Café. They don’t have a website, facebook, or twitter page but you can find them at 1621 Aliceanna St Baltimore, MD 21231 (410) 522-3940. We headed on over there and were greeted with a quaint little café with a few tables and a counter with stools. We were told that it be between an hour and an hour wait. We decided that it was indeed worth it and camped out outside the front door. When our name was called we were asked if we minded sitting at the counter and we let them know that it was not a problem in the least. Now, the only knock I had read in reviews of this place was on the service, let me tell you, these people could not have been nicer. Yes, they were young and tattooed (So am I, well, I’m tattooed, I don’t know about the young part anymore!), but they were friendly and courteous and not the slightest bit rude at all.

I had the Cap’n Crunch French Toast that I had read rave reviews of and Erin had an omelet. I had been a bit skeptical about the French toast as I was worried it might be overly sweet but damn were my fears unfounded! It was absolutely amazing! The best French toast that I have ever had, bar none! It was absolutely delicious, nice and crunch on the outside, soft, warm, and chewy on the inside, and topped with homemade whipped cream, fresh berries, and bananas! Let me tell you, no butter or syrup needed whatsoever! Erin enjoyed her omelet as well and upon tasting a bite of my French toast concurred with my opinion and stated that Blue Moon was the best eatery we hit on the trip and well worth the drive. I have to say, I am very inclined to agree!

By the time we were done gorging ourselves on our respective breakfasts we realized it was now Noon and we made our way back to the Civic and were ready to head on home. The traffic was a very different story on the way back; we hit several problem spots as soon as we left the city. However, all was not bleak as we made a late lunch stop at one of other favorite southern restaurant chains, Chick-fil-A (http://www.chick-fil-a.com/#home)! If you have never experienced Chick-fil-A you really need to, best fast food chicken sandwich you will ever eat, so delicious!

The ride home ended up taking us seven and a half hours! Hell, it only takes us fourteen hours to get to Atlanta! Seven and a half hours is a long time to be in my little Civic Coupe but we made it our alive! The next day was a busy affair for me as I had my no gi Jiu-Jitsu class in the afternoon, followed by picking up and dropping off at the dry cleaners, food shopping, grilling dinner (steak and pork loin) with my brother Frank, and pie making!

I had previously asked Erin and my brother what they would like me to make for dessert for Easter Sunday and they both wanted pie, blueberry for Erin and Key Lime with Cool Whip topping for Frank. I had never made either but I was ready to give it a shot. The blueberry was a bit of a process between cooking down the berries with maple syrup, then mixing all the ingredients with more blueberries, then chilling it for a half hour, and then baking it. I think I perhaps should have simmered it down longer. The Key Lime pie was a breeze though, no hassle at all.

Being me I decided to do a little research for a special treat for Easter Brunch. I was so in love with the Cap’n Crunch French Toast that I could not possibly wait until the next time I hit Charm City to taste it again! Plus my Mother and brother were in doubt of its deliciousness! It turns out the recipe was in one of Guy’s Diners, Drive Ins, and Dives cooks books and a fan was kind enough to post it online! I knew I had to give it a shot and hoped I would do it justice! Well, everyone loved it! I don’t think it was quite as good as Blue Moon’s but Erin thought I did a good interpretation.

My Mom made the Freda Family Sauce along with ravioli, meatballs, Italian sausage, and of course an antipasto course with mozzarella, mozzarella and prosciutto pinwheels, salami, pepperoni, provolone, peppers, and anchovies for Easter dinner. Everything was absolutely delicious as always! My brother loved the Key Lime pie and said that it was spot on. Erin enjoyed the blueberry but agreed with me that it should have been simmered down a bit more to reduce some of the juice.

So there you have it, a face stuffing, and road tripping adventure followed by an Italian Feast with a little southern flare for dessert! I hope you enjoyed my latest lengthy blog and I hope to have some new pictures up on http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=154376&id=745503906&l=402c1e0710 this weekend. Until next time, keep your head up!

A Tale of Two Pies

Hello everyone and welcome to another blog entry by your favorite BJJ/baking enthusiast. One of my recent Food Network obsessions is a show called “The Best Thing I Ever Ate”. Every week they pick a topic such as Guilty Pleasures or Cheesy and they have on food related celebrities such as chefs or critics and they talk about the best thing they ever ate in that category. I absolutely love listening to these culinary gurus gush over their favorite foods, it’s almost, and I mean ALMOST as good as getting to try them myself!

Now here is where the coolest part comes in, they tell you WHERE you can go get them. And in case you miss it you, can go on their website (http://www.foodnetwork.com/the-best-thing-i-ever-ate/index.html) and find the address and web site of the restaurants. Fortunately for me, a great number of these restaurants are in the NYC area. So my list of restaurants I want to try is growing by leaps and bounds! Sometimes, there will be a dish that I really, really want to experience for myself but it won’t be available anywhere in my area. In this case, I have to get a bit creative.

The first time this came into play was as a result of the “Snack Attack” episode where Candace Nelson hyped the deliciousness of the Donut Muffins made at Downtown Bakery and Creamery in Healdsburg, California (www.downtownbakery.net). Now watching these delectable, massive, muffins being made sent my salivary glands into overdrive! They were coated with cinnamon & sugar goodness and just looked too amazing to imagine!

So I immediately began searching for a recipe that I could try myself and low and behold, this is the one that I found: http://www.finecooking.com/recipes/doughnut_muffins.aspx . And goddamn if they did not come out absolutely amazing! Definitely one of the best things I have ever made or eaten! I was extremely happy with the way they came out and they are definitely a treat which I will need to make again soon!

Onto the subject of which this blog is titled, A Tale of Two Pies! The next time I was subject to geographical disappointment was the episode entitled “Guilty Pleasures” and the deliverer of my dismay was the Ace of Cakes himself, Duff Goldman. Duff’s most favorite guilty pleasure is indigenous to Baltimore, Maryland and created by the folks over at Dangerously Delicious Pies (www.dangerouspies.com) and known as the Baltimore Bomb Pie. This amazing treat is made by taking your standard pie crust, filling it with broken pieces of the sinfully decadent Berger Cookies (www.bergercookies.com) and pouring vanilla chess (a vanilla chess is a kind of custard) over that before baking it.

I really, really wanted to try this pie! However the cost to order one and have it shipped was really prohibitive. So, I again decided to take things into my own hands or kitchen as it were. I ordered some Berger Cookies and picked up the ingredients to make the vanilla chess and pie crust. I also remembered that when watching the episode I had turned to my lovely bride and remarked how much the Berger Cookies reminded me of our very own NY classic, the Black & White cookie. Inspiration had struck me and struck me hard! I decided to make one Baltimore Bomb using Berger Cookies and one Bellerose Bomb using Black & Whites! I stopped at one of my favorite local bakeries, the Gourmet Bake Shop in New Hyde Park (http://www.gourmetbakeshop.com/default.html) and picked up some ridiculously fresh Black & Whites.

Early Saturday evening I began my most recent culinary adventure with the two best Sous Chefs a guy could ask for in my lovely wife Erin and beautiful daughter Lyric. We set out to make the pies as per my recollection from the aforementioned show with a bit of guesstimating in a few areas. Namely, how many cookies to put in and how would we know if they were done? Now I knew how long they were approximately supposed to bake as far as the chess were concerned, which I was sure would be thrown off by the presence of the cookies. As well as knowing how custard should look once it’s baked, not liquid, but solid. The pies took a little over 45 minutes to bake and looked really fantastic when they came out, especially the Bellerose Bomb with its chunks of cookies popping up all over the place!

Next came the hard part, how long do we have to wait for the pies to set? I knew for sure they would have to be refrigerated for a time to allow the chess to set but I had read a bunch of different things as far as that went. Erin made the call that they should set overnight and so they did! Despite my HUGE disappointment in having to wait!

Finally after dinner last night came the moment of truth, the pie tasting! We cut ourselves a small slice of each, knowing that they would both be extremely sweet and decadent. How did they taste? DELICIOUS! Lyric could not decide which she like best, saying that she liked them both, although I think some of that may have been not wanting to make me feel bad if she did not like my version better. Erin liked the Baltimore Bomb better enjoying the extreme fudginess of it. I, however, liked the Bellerose Bomb better as I could pick up all the distinct flavors from the vanilla chess, the Black & White Cookies, and the icing from the cookies. These are definitely pies that require a big glass of milk in order to be consumed! I think that the next time I make the Baltimore Bomb I will use a few less cookies, as I think we may have gone a bit overboard! Overall though I think these were both unique culinary triumphs for yours truly and the loveliest helpers a baker could wish for!

I know you think the story ends here however it does not! Erin and I will be in Baltimore on April 1st and 2nd and we will be heading over to Dangerously Delicious Pies to try the original Baltimore Bomb to see how ours stacks up! Who knows, I may drop a little knowledge on them and suggest they try their hand at the Bellerose Bomb! Thanks for reading and I’ll catch you next time!

Photos of my Culinary Exploits can be found here: http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=154376&id=745503906&l=402c1e0710

A Renewed Passion

It’s been a little over a month since I’ve updated on here so I figured I should probably give it a go. People who have known me for a long time know that baking has always been one of my passions. Yes, yes you read that right, baking. When I was a little boy I would often watch my Mother bake and then began lending a hand as I got older. I liked being around her and all the smells of her kitchen and the wonderful things that would come out of her oven, especially her banana walnut bread and her chocolate Bundt cake with confectionary sugar sprinkled on top.

As I got older I started baking things on my own, mostly from boxed mixes with the occasional banana walnut bread from scratch thrown in. As time passed I started making more and more things from scratch, like my Na Na’s peanut butter cookies or raspberry muffins. When I first met my wife I wooed her with chocolate chip oatmeal cookies and cinnamon streusel cake until she begged me to stop the oven baked onslaught!

In recent years I had gotten away from baking; really only doing it around the holidays. My Dad and older sister Nadine just had to have my homemade cornbread on Thanksgiving and everyone else was always clamoring for Na Na’s peanut butter cookies. However I have recently undergone somewhat of a baking resurgence. And I have to say, my daughter Lyric really deserves most of the credit.

Over the last year or so Lyric has developed a new found obsession with the Food Network and shows like Ace Of Cakes and Cake Boss. As I result I have found myself becoming a fan of Diners, Drive Ins, & Dives, Man vs. Food, The Best Thing I Ever Ate, Good Eats, and Chopped. Through becoming an avid fan of these shows I have subsequently become a fan of Chefs Guy Fieri, Alton Brown, Paula Deen, Michael Symon, and Chris Santos.

Another result of watching these programs has been the stoking of my desire to make the dishes I have seen featured on them. Or to seek out other recipes that I had always wanted to try, but just never attempted. And in doing so, spending time with my wife and daughter doing something we can all enjoy, like making a red velvet cake from scratch or baked macaroni and cheese. I would absolutely love it if my daughter were to become a Chef or Pastry Chef!

My wife has also recently become obsessed with idea of us mastering the art of making our own pizza. Right now getting the crust right is our biggest nemesis! However, we have faith that our recent purchases of both a pizza stone and a pizza peel will aid us in our efforts!

My teammates have also benefitted greatly from my recent culinary adventures as my wife often likes for me to get them out of the house to prevent us from overindulging! Some of my recent conquests have been my Split Decision Layer Cake (Vanilla Cake on top, Chocolate Cake on bottom, milk chocolate icing), chocolate peanut butter cupcakes, donut muffins (my wife says they are the best thing I have ever made and I may be inclined to agree), apple muffins, and a really amazing marinated skirt steak.

Yes, I have been branching out into cooking as well. I had always cooked a few things here and there like fajitas or tacos or chili or the occasional meat loaf, but I am starting to cook more and more. I have printed out a HUGE binder full of recipes for appetizers, main courses, and of course desserts that I want to try.

I have really been enjoying the time I have been spending in the kitchen both with my wife and daughter and on my own. I had almost forgotten how enjoyable it can be to have my music blaring as I try out a new recipe and bounce around the kitchen and then the triumph of a successful attempt at a new dish. I’ve also taken to photographing my culinary adventures, a fact which my Mrs. finds quite amusing I must say. She also thinks it’s incredibly humorous that lately all I can talk about is what new chokes I am trying out or what recipe I want to attempt next!

Again, I must thank my daughter for getting me back in the kitchen and my wife for putting up with my renewed culinary obsession. It has really been extremely rewarding being back in the kitchen and trying out all matter of new things. Tonight I’ll be going with an old standby, my Mom’s famous banana walnut bread!

Happy Birthday Dad

I wake up every morning startled as if being shaken out of my sleep. I head downstairs and I push myself as hard as I can, straining, growling, huffing, puffing, trying to break myself into a million pieces. I have destroyed myself over and over again smashing my body apart in a million ways in this ridiculous attempt to just be BETTER.

He was much more proud of me than I deserved for him to be. He saw things in me that just weren't there and I let him down so many times with my foolish, selfish, immature actions. I have dedicated my life to trying to be the man he saw in me, to be someone he could be proud of, to be an example of his ideals.
My heart has been torn out and shredded into a million pieces and I will never, ever be whole again. I miss him so much that sometimes I just have to stop moving, thinking, talking because I just cannot breathe. I would do anything, give up anything, just to hug him again and to hear him call me his pal one more time.

I Am Broken

I am broken, irreparably so, this is something that I am acutely aware of. It is an undeniable fact, one I have known for quite some time. How did I break, who or what broke me, when did I first become broken? These are questions that I do not have the answer to. However I do know what is broken and I do know that it something that cannot possibly be fixed, ever. My psyche is quite literally a mess.

There have been several different opinions as to what is “wrong” with me. I put the word wrong in quotes because I feel that the description is incorrect, I feel that the word I used previously, broken, is the more correct term for my mental situation. However, society at large would probably consider wrong to be the correct word. Some have called it major depressive disorder, some have called it manic depression, and others have called me a mopey fuck. And still others have referred to me as being “whacky” or “strange.” The word irritable has been tossed around as well.

To me, the labels are just really superfluous, whichever one you decide to use. One way or another, the fact remains, I am broken. It is not something I can control or “work on” or rehabilitate. I often get sad for absolutely reason. Or a single e-mail or comment or action can sometimes send me spiraling down into an abyss of self loathing with omnipresent thoughts of self destruction.

And then there are times when I go on a tear and buy a ton of shit I do not need because I just absolutely had to have them. And I have become an absurd completist as far as some of my interests are concerned. Buying DVDs I do not have the time to watch or albums that I do not consider particularly good or essential just because I NEED to have them in my collection.

Then there is my propensity to become so totally and extremely frustrated with a person or situation seemingly instantaneously. One moment I am fine and the next a wrong sentence or look or reaction has me completely consumed with anger or frustration to the point where I have to immediately step away to avoid a potentially explosive event. Or there will be times when one moment I am completely fine and the next anything and everything irritates me so wholly and completely that I become absolutely impossible to be around.

I also find myself at times being completely unable to feel good about myself. Despite the huge strides I have made in improving my physical appearance I still find so many things to hate when I look in the mirror. And I cannot seem to stop picking myself apart and just wanting to destroy myself because I do not see what I want to see in that reflection.

Or I become so fixated and obsessed with completing a goal or task that failure to do so leaves me feeling completely crushed, hollow, and empty inside. As if I am not worth the dog shit stuck to someone’s shoe, that I am a complete and utter disappointment and failure to all those who were foolish enough to believe in me or count on me.

So yes, I am broken, I cannot be fixed or cured or rehabilitated. I am aware of this and it does not please nor am I looking to use it as an excuse. It is what it is as I am what I am. Broken.

What I am currently listening to, reading, watching, playing

Albums currently in heavy rotation:

White Lies – To Lose My Life…

Dead Man’s Bones – Dead Man’s Bones

Phoenix – Wolfgang Amadeus Phoenix

Editors – In This Light and On This Evening

Yeah Yeah Yeahs – It’s Blitz!

The xx – xx

Owl City – Ocean Eyes

Ladyhawke – Ladyhawke

The Big Pink – A Brief History of Love

Julian Casablancas – Phrazes for the Young

Florence + the Machine – Lungs

La Roux – La Roux

Wilco – Wilco (The Album)Weezer – Raditude

Currently Reading:

The Complete Guide to Gracie Jiu-Jitsu by Rodrigo Gracie & Kid Peligro

Eating the Dinosaur by Chuck Klosterman

Currently watching:

Cobrinha BJJ 3 DVD Set with Rubens Charles

Films recently watched:

The United States of Leland (2003)

Stay (2005)

Currently dominating the PS3:

The Beatles: Rock Band

When do we stop using the type(s) of music we enjoy to define who we are, or do we ever?

My Thursday night Muay Thai class was cancelled this week due to my instructor being under the weather and Team Serra two alternates being unavailable. Normally, I most likely would have been extremely disappointed. However for the past few days a sinus cold has been kicking the crap out of me and Erin is going to be away for the weekend at her brother & sister-in-law’s house in Atlanta. So, I was glad to have a night at home to rest and spent a bit of extra time with the Mrs. before she left for her trip this morning. So, this how I ended up flipping channels on a Thursday night while eating a DiGiorno pizza with my wife. Oh, and by the way, if you can’t tell if it’s deliver or DiGiorno, you either have shitty taste in pizza or have never had real pizza, ever.

While flipping channels I stopped when I hit the IFC Channel as they were showing the documentary film Goth Cruise. Now I had remembered hearing about this documentary as a girl I knew from my clubbing days had posted on facebook that she and her husband were featured in the film. So, I left it on with more than the cursory interest that I might have normally had. As most of the people who would have any reason to read this would know, I was pretty damn immersed in the NYC/LI Goth scene for a number of years. Hell, Erin and I met at a show my brother’s old band was playing at a Goth club. We sat there watching it, while munching on our store bought pizza, commenting here and there about this song or this outfit. Erin laughed when Amanda, the aforementioned acquaintance, appeared on screen wearing the same I, Synthesist t-shirt that I frequently wear. I, Synthesist is a band fronted by an acquaintance of my brother. I must admit, while I do dig a few of their songs, I mostly wear the shirt because I like the way it fits on me! However I did remember that Amanda was a big fan of theirs.

Our watching of this little documentary lead to my questioning my wife if she liked it better when I dressed more Goth or the way that I dress now. She told me that she prefers my current wardrobe which usually consists of t-shirts and jeans, the occasional hooded sweat shirt or button down with Doc Marten shoes or my limited edition Alkaline Trio Nikes. She prefers when then t-shirts have shorter sleeves that reveal more tattoo and biceps and have a logo or design of some sort. A favorite is the shirt I picked up at the Dead Man’s Bones concert.

This combined with the fantastic book I am currently reading, How Soon Is Never by Marc Spitz, reminded me how much the type of music we listen to often affects how we dress and how we define ourselves. If someone asked me in Junior High or the first year or so of High School, what are you? My response probably would have been I’m a Metal Head. And with my wardrobe consisting mostly of Metallica, Megadeth, and Slayer t-shirts worn with tight black or blue jeans and combat boots most likely would have lead you to believe me. And in my High School, that really was how you defined yourself, metal heads listened to metal, hoodies listened to hip hop or rap, guidos listened to TKA. That’s just the way it was.

By the time I was in college the uniform and music had changed. The wardrobe was now dominated by Depeche Mode, Smiths, Cure, and Morrissey shirts or black button downs, but still with boots and tight jeans! And most nights were spent at Goth clubs swirling around the dance floor with similarly dressed boys and girls in corsets with my black eyeliner, lip stick, and nail polish topping it all off. As I got more into the Goth subculture my wardrobe expanded to include shiny vinyl pants, velvet skirts, mesh shirts, bondage pants and even more impressive knee high, steel toed combat boots. And I frequently dressed that way whether I was at a club or not. Working at Tower Records afforded me the kind of freedom of dress that a lot of other jobs don’t. In college it seemed that this still had an impact on how you defined yourself, were you Goth, a Punk, a hard core kid, or an indie rocker? Maybe you were in a fraternity or sorority and were just one of the Greeks?

As I got older, I just seemed to stop dressing that way. I have not stopped listening to the music, and hell, I’m listening to Tomorrow by Morrissey as I type this. I have over 7,000 songs on my iPod and I own over 1,000 CDs. The genres of music stretch from Classic Rock, to Heavy Metal, to Hip Hop, to Rap, to Disco, to Industrial, to Punk, to New Wave, to Industrial, to Alternative, to Ska and on and on. What I listen to no longer dictates how I dress, I wear what I feel comfortable in and what I think looks good. Sure, I still wear t-shirts of bands that I like, but I also wear a lot of Straight Edge and Serra Jiu-Jitsu shirts. And if someone said, what are you? I certainly would not use the contents of my iPod or wardrobe to define who I am.

First of all, what I am listening to can be so different on a day to day basis that I can no longer see myself saying, I’m Goth or I’m a Punk or an Indie Rocker. I mean people obviously still do this, hence the Goth Cruise flick. And I know people still call themselves Hipsters and Punks and the like. I’m just not one of them. I don’t know when or how this happened and I don’t know why. It just did. I still love music more than most people love their pets but I don’t let it dictate who or what I am. Hell, I don’t let my job do that.

The clearest definition of who I am is probably right here on this very blog, in the little blurb to the right: Married, father, writer, musician, straight edge, beginning BJJ practitioner. This is how I choose to define myself. And I think it fits even better than my I, Synthesist t-shirt. Until next time, take care.

My Aging Alternative Icons and more…

Morrissey collapsed on stage Saturday, October 24 after performing one song at his show, then falling to the ground, unconscious. He was "stable" at a hospital in Swindon, England, on Sunday morning, according to a hospital spokeswoman quoted by the British Telegraph. I certainly wish the Moz a full and speedy recovery. He has had such an awesome resurgence over the last five years, putting out several fantastic albums in a row: You Are the Quarry in 2004, Live at Earls Court in 2005, Ringleader of the Tormentors in 2006, and Years of Refusal in 2009.

Morrissey’s recent ailment as well as Dave Gahan’s recent health issues during this past year while on tour was reason to give me pause and realize that some of my biggest musical influences are getting on in years now. Dave Gahan is 47, Martin Gore is 48, Morrissey is 50, Henry Rollins is 48, Johnny Marr is 45, Mike Ness is 47, Robert Smith is 50, Bono is 49, and the Edge is 48. Well, at least Rivers Cuomo at 39, Matt Skiba at 33, and Dan Andriano at 32 are all close to or at my age! I know that it shouldn’t have escaped my attention that most of my influences were getting up there in terms of numbers. I mean, they have been actively contributing to the musical landscape since the late 70’s and I was not even born until 1976 and am now clocking in at 33 years old myself.

However, the realization of my aging alternative icons did give me a bit of a shake. I mean, if the HOT ANIMAL MACHINE Henry Rollins is aging…what the hell is to become of me? I remember being in high school and buying a cassette (yes, that’s right, a cassette) of the End of Silence off of some kid in the locker room. Low Self Opinion used to just, DESTROY me. And I still love to blast that song. And Weight and Come In & Burn are both fantastic records as well. And I know I need not speak of how I feel about Hank’s literary output. If this guy is getting on in years, man…that means we’re all aging!

And yes, of course I have realized that I am getting older, hell if the scant grey hairs in my goatee don’t tell me that the fact that my DAUGHTER will be eleven in February sure as hell does! And I have certainly stepped up my efforts this past year to stave off the effects of aging as best as I can. Between Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu twice a week, Muay Thai once a week, my additional daily works outs six times a week, and add to that my much improved eating habits and I am in the best physical condition of my entire life.

Yet there are still effects of the aging process that I feel every day. My joints often hurt and my legs are tired as hell after hitting the elliptical for a half hour. I also require much more sleep than I used to. I remember the days when I could run at peak efficiency on as little as two hours of sleep! I can still pull a day like that out if absolutely necessary but chances are I would be seriously hurting from it! These days with my waking up at five AM Monday to Friday I am usually nodding off by eleven PM. Gone are the days of the sleep deprivation machine that I once was!

Of course, there are advantages to getting older as well. I appreciate a lot of the little things as well as the big things so much more. My idea of “going out” or “doing something” has drastically changed as I have gotten older. Having a cup of coffee or dinner with a friend is big deal now and just spending a day walking around the Village with my wife is a treasure. And when I was in college I used to go to shows all the time! Did I enjoy and appreciate them; of course I did, but not nearly as much as I do now, because I don’t have the time to experience them as often. I also used to have all the time in the world to grab a cup of coffee or a meal with a friend, whereas now scheduling conflicts rule the day! Between who has a job with a whacky schedule, who’s married, who has kids, who’s in a band there are so many outside factors to planning a get together! So when we can make them happen, we really enjoy them!

Ugh, enough about my old decrepit ass! MOVING ON! When will people learn that negative reinforcement is about as useful as pouring water on a grease fire? I mean, does anyone really respond all that well to threats and constant brow beating in a work environment? All that does for me is make me tense up, frustrate me, and put me on the defensive. Now, how exactly, is this conducive to better job performance? Heaven forbid you question their methods, because then you’re not open to criticism and not a team player, as well as not willing to work to improve upon your weaknesses. I love when people who have never taken management classes are allowed to manage others. It’s awesome!

I guess this is enough whining for now! Turn in next time for even more bitching and kvetching! No, no, hopefully the next blog will be of a more positive nature. I just needed to get all this out. Thanks for listening (reading).

The Weekend That Was

This weekend was a good one, but one that went all too fast, all the same. You know that actually makes me laugh to myself a bit, the idea of the weekend going by so quickly. Of course it goes by quickly, what are we comparing it to, the rest of the week? Of course the weekend ended as it usually does, with me lamenting the fact that we all spend so much more time at work than we do out of it, or seemingly so.

Friday night was a quiet one at home, I made some beef tacos and my Mom joined us for dinner. Saturday I dropped the little one off at religion and then headed off for some no gi training with Team Serra. Fantastic class with Monsta and Crazy Eddie taking the helm due to the usual suspects being off at the Renzo Gracie Invitational, Monsta’s warm up was intense! Side steps to the inside, sprawls, pushups, and sprinting. We then worked on defending strikes from above while holding your opponent in your guard and transitioning from there into a Kimura. We also did some feet on the floor matches with time limits. Monsta was encouraging us to finish our opponents and continually reminded us that we do not get decisions. This of course was a calling back to the injustice that was Master Sensei Matt Serra’s fight against Matt Hughes in May. And little did I know it was foreshadowing for later on that night!

Saturday night was a good time as I was joined by training partners Chris Brady and Andrew Frisa and Andrew’s brother Peter for UFC 104 at my place. We enjoyed some chips, Buffalo Chicken Dip, and BBQ chicken pizza along with Diet IBC Root Beer for me and well….regular beer for them! However, a slight damper was put on the evening due to what we felt to be a hugely erroneous decision in the main event. We all had thought that Mauricio “Shogun” Rua had clearly defeated Lyoto “the Dragon” Machida for the UFC Light Heavyweight Title however, the inept judges apparently thought otherwise giving Machida the victory via unanimous decision. Total miscarriage of justice in our opinion as Machida clearly sustained the most damage as his legs were incredibly bruised and his face was clearly busted up. Plus Rua clearly landed more shots in the fight and was dominant. I guess the judges at the Staples Center saw otherwise. Either that or, as usual, were boxing judges who don’t know a damn thing about MMA. UFC President Dana White is well known to say that fighters should never let fights go to the judges, because this is the kind of thing that can happen. White was also quoted as saying that he believed Rua had won the fight, and that a rematch would be the next fight for both men.

Sunday I had to drop Lyric off at her mother’s place early as they were attending a surprise party that afternoon. I headed home from that and got an early start on the laundry. Erin was out doing some birthday shopping for her nephew with her Mother and while they were gone I took the opportunity to make some oatmeal cookies, one of her favorites, for Erin. When Erin returned home we tried to figure out a good plan for the day ended up driving into Forest Hills and then hopping the subway into the Village.

We walked around for a while trying to decide on a spot for an early dinner and ended up settling on a place called Murphy & Gonzalez Pub and Cocina (http://www.murphy-gonzalez.com/). The food was very good however we both later regretted that we seem to be falling into a bit of a rut lately whenever we dine out. Always going for the safe bet (pub food, Mexican, Italian, Chinese, etc.) instead of trying different and more diverse fare. We realized while we were eating and also once we had finished and walked around a bit more, spotting several interesting restaurants. Erin had said that at the time she had thought we should eat quickly because she thought that I was really hungry, however I thought that she was just in the mood for the type of restaurant we ended up at. So, a little miscommunication there but not a big deal as we did enjoy the food that we ate, just a reminder to not always assume.

We continued our walk around the Village and grabbed some Starbucks and then checked out Urban Outfitters. A few coats in there that Erin liked but not at the prices they were asking for. We then ended up at this little café for more coffee! Man, the guy in there was such a tool box. Listen, I understand that working in these cafes probably sucks, but hey pal, I didn’t force you to get a job there and neither did my wife. We are both big time “please and thank you” people and don’t deserve your snotty attitude. He literally shoved our coffee and tea at us! Then when Erin asked for a fork he said “They’re over there.” Pointing to where the sugar, milk, and etc. were. Erin walked over looked around, no forks. She came back and asked again, he repeated his sentence again in an even snottier tone to which Erin replied with a smile “I’m sorry, I don’t see them, am I missing them?” of course he got a look on his face like Erin shit in his cornflakes as he went over to look. “Oh, sorry about that, let me get you one.” What a fucking tool box.

After our coffee and tea we headed back to Forest Hills, picked up the car and headed home. The Giants horrific loss to the Cardinals was broken up by a great new episode of Dexter. Awesome performance in this episode by Jennifer Carpenter as Det. Debra Morgan and John Lithgow continues to be awesome in his role as the Trinity Killer. However Julie Benz continues to rub me the wrong way in her portrayal as Dexter’s wife Rita. She comes off as an annoying, nagging, shrew when I am sure that I am SUPPOSED to be sympathizing with her. Of course Michael C. Hall is phenomenal as always in his role as Dexter Morgan. Meanwhile the Giants infuriated me with their second piss poor effort in a row. They really need to get their shit together if they’re going to challenge in the post season.

And here we are at Monday again, I’m back at work and the Mrs. is still stuck on the Grand Jury. Meanwhile I’m wishing I was either home with her or on the mats at Serra. I also have some lyrics floating around in my head. Hopefully something will come of them. I finished the fantastic “A Mad Dash” by Henry Rollins this weekend and I am now again without a book. The new issues of Rolling Stone and Spin will help to get me through the commute for now.

Well, I babbled on far too long again with nothing of much importance to say I’m afraid. Ah well, anyone who stumbles upon this blog should know what to expect by now. Until next time, be well.

One Year Anniversary, BJJ, Muay Thai, writing, etc. etc

A year ago yesterday I walked through the doors of Serra Jiu-Jitsu for the first time and my life has not been the same since. I have lost 40 pounds and gained more than I can ever say. I would like to thank all my instructors and training partners, hopefully one day I will be good enough to make them all proud!

I am hitting the Jiu-Jitsu as hard as I possibly can. After achieving my fourth stripe back on August 25 my obsession with earning my blue belt has increased immensely. And I had thought that it was at peak levels before, boy was I wrong! I love Jiu-Jitsu so much and want so badly to perform well! I know I have to keep walking through that door and have faith that every time I train I am improving, even if I cannot see it, it is there.

I have been hitting the beginners gi class on Tuesday nights and since June 20th I have moved on to taking the advanced no gi class on Saturday afternoons every week. The difference in gi and no gi is very clear and a big adjustment for sure. Add to that facing the upper belts and doing feet on the floor matches and conga lines and the intensity is huge. Everyone is great though and extremely helpful. I am very lucky to train with such great teammates who want nothing but to help everyone get better. Everyone is so selfless and wants to help everyone else out. Such a fantastic environment to train in! Not to mention the unbelievable instructors we have!

This past Tuesday after my regular beginners gi class I was asked by Del, one of our instructors, if I would be able to stay for the competition class to help Nikole, one of our blue belts, to get ready for an upcoming competition. Del, warned me that the class was "not fun." Of course I jumped at the chance to work with someone as experienced as Nikole! She was awesome to work with and I really enjoyed the class. Man, two classes back to back, especially one as intense as the competition class was a hell of a work out!

Again I must apologize as it has been quite some time since my last post. I am however making a renewed commitment to posting something on here every day. Even if it is just a few sentences, I need to write every day. I feel that it will improve my state of mind and to help me achieve some clarity.

I have also decided that I should start carrying my digital camera with me every where I go. The thing is so small and light it's ridiculous not to have it with me. Especially when I live and work where I do, there are so many things that catch my eye and make me stop and think on a daily basis. I am no photographer, not by a long shot, but I would love to just give it a run of taking photos of the things that catch my eye. Besides, I have a huge memory card in the thing and it takes what, 2 seconds to delete a shot I don't like?

I have Muay Thai tonight for the first time in a few weeks. I missed class on 10/1 as my old shoulder injury was acting up and I wanted to rest my arm so that it would be good to go for Jiu-Jitsu on that Saturday. I missed class on 10/8 as we were leaving for Salem, Mass the next day and I had to pick up Lyric, pack, and settle some last minute details. And then I missed class last week on 10/15 as Erin and I had tickets to the Dead Man's Bones show. I am a little nervous as the Muay Thai class is very intense. I am also pretty damn sore in my hips for some reason the past two days. Glucosamine don't fail me now! Of course this has not stopped me from my daily cardio routines!

Speaking of the Dead Man's Bones show, what an awesome show! It was the best time I have had at a show in a long time! They played so well and were having such a good time up there! Those fellas really make me want to find time to pick up the guitar again and write some damn music! I love their album too, if you have not picked it up yet, I definitely recommend it!

Well, I think that I have prattled on for long enough today! I will be back tomorrow with more of my incessant rambling!

Currently Reading:
A Mad Dash (Limited Edition, signed by the author) by Henry Rollins

Currently dominating my iPod:
Dead Man’s Bones – Dead Man’s Bones
Yeah, Yeah, Yeahs – It’s Blitz!
M83 – Saturdays = Youth
Ladyhawke – Ladyhawke
Silversun Pickups - Swoon

Long time, no blog

I know it has been an extremely long time since I have written anything. And it isn’t that I haven’t had anything to discuss, plenty of things going on right now for sure. Erin and I spent a week in Ireland in May and had a fantastic time. I earned my third stripe in Jiu-Jitsu and took my first advanced/no gi class. I have been motoring right along in Muay Thai class. And there was the sudden passing of the Japanese legend Misawa on January 13 and my attendance at ROH’s Manhattan Mayhem III on the same day. The release of several new albums I was anticipating: Crossing the Rubicon by the Sounds, Battle for the Sun by Placebo, and Back and Forth by Pete Yorn. I also had to endure my first Father’s Day without my beloved Father. So, yes, there has been plenty to talk about.

I have contemplated starting one of these quite a few times since we returned home from Ireland and yet I haven’t written a thing. I think there are several reasons for this. The first being that I have just been extremely busy, I am training three times a week: Tuesday night is beginners Jiu-Jitsu, Thursday night is Muay Thai, and Saturday afternoon is advanced/no gi Jiu-Jitsu. I also get up at 5 AM every morning to get in some cardio before work with additional exercises on the days I’m not training. Factor into that a full time job, a daily commute that takes 90 minutes each way, a lovely wife, and a fantastic daughter and you can see that my “free time” is pretty limited.

Another reason is that I really wanted to make this blog completely uncensored. Yet I am realizing that this is a complete impossibility. Anyone can Google anyone nowadays and along with that comes the ability to check up on activities such as blogging. I don’t believe in hiding or that there is any strength in blogging anonymously. Anyway can be brave behind a mask and without consequences, I like to stand behind what I say so that’s not an option for me. However, I do have a family to take care of, and they come before my freedom to mouth off across the internet.

Anyway, on with the blogging and this one is going to be a corker! As one of my Father’s Day gifts I received A Dull Roar: What I Did on My Summer Deracination 2006 by Henry Rollins. I was extremely excited to receive this as I am a HUGE fan of gold old Hank and own and have read and re-read all of his books (well, except for Roomanitarian which I own, started reading, and for whatever reason, didn’t get around to finishing, but I will once I finish this one, though I will have to rescue it from its cardboard tomb in the attic.)

As is always the case with missives from Hank, I totally and completely love the shit out of this book. This book is a collection of journal entries from back in 2006 and I absolutely love how after every entry he catalogs what he ate that day as well as his work outs. Somewhere along the line old Hank became a quasi vegetarian (he still eats fish, eggs, and dairy) which totally surprised me as I remembered earlier books where he mentioned his cupboards only containing beef chili and him making fun of vegetarians as recently as his spoken word CD Think Tank which came out back in 1998. Hank is also apparently a big fan of carrot juice, cream cheese bagels, sesame bars, and ice bars. This is a great read and Henry’s dedication to his work is simply staggering. I am happy to report that I am as big a fan of his as ever. I am definitely going to need to upload all my Rollins spoken word CDs onto my iTunes so that I can throw them onto the old iPod. And I would love to get Talk Is Cheap Vols. 1-4. I am also really looking forward to his next book, A Preferred Blur: Reflections, Inspections, and Travel in All Directions which will be released on August 1, 2009.

Moving on! I have quickly come to realize that I have become much more comfortable being alone than I was in years passed. I went back and read a lot of old journal entries and they reminded me, not that I needed much reminding, how much I used to hate being alone. I seemingly never, ever wanted to be left to my own devices. I know that a great deal of that had to do with my self esteem issues and my crippling need and desire for everyone I met to like me. Nowadays I have no problems at all with time to myself. And I have plenty to do with that time when I have it. Be it reading, catching up with DVD watching or the occasional quality time with my PS3!

I know that in the past, not here, but other place I have addressed the “who shit in your cereal” issue before but it could definitely use another go around. Look, I’m not the type of dude who walks around with a huge goofy smile on his face all the time; it’s just not my natural expression. However, I also don’t walk around looking like someone raped my dog with a red hot poker. There are several people I see in my daily travels who constantly wear the “someone took a big dump in my cornflakes mask” and it’s fucking ridiculous. This one woman, I see her at least 2 or 3 times a week, always looks at me like I punched her wheel chair bound great-grandmother in the face or something. I don’t even know this woman! And yet I often find her staring at me with that look upon her face, I just want to close my book, pull out my ear phones, walk over to her, and say “may I help you?” People need to just chill the fuck out and get over themselves.

I had an interesting conversation with some of the upper belts after no gi class on Saturday. We were all talking about how grateful we were to train where we did and to have the instructors and training partners that we had. One of the guys mentioned despite the fact that we were located on Long Island, not one “typical Long Island douchebag” could be found among us. Now, if you don’t know what he was referring to, I suggest you check out either Roosevelt Field or the Source Mall and cruise around for a bit. You know the guy, polo shirt, blow out hair cut, sunglasses that your girlfriend should be wearing. He surmised that this was due to the fact that these were the type of guys who would rather talk about fighting, than do it. I bunch of us also joked that you should have had to either been tapped out or tapped someone out at least a few times before you could wear a TapouT t-shirt. I suggested that perhaps a screening at check out followed by a quick lesson in Jiu-Jitsu prior to purchase would be a fun idea! I kiid I kiid!

Monster then let us know that a majority of the guys he has come across who train in MMA really are not looking to be true Martial Artists and can be complete assholes. However at our academy, people are looking to learn the Martial Arts and are friendly, helpful, and respectful. I cannot stress enough how luck I am to train with such a great group of individuals.

Alright, I think I have rambled on long enough for one installment. I hope that you enjoyed reading and I will try not to go so long in between entries. Take care and keep your head up.